the unsaid

2005-01-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

Let me make it clear.

My blog is currently moved to: http://iamsof.diaryland.com
I combined both my Chinese blog and English blog here, as well as the host for photo gallery. It is easier for me to manage I hope.
I don't know if I'll use it permanently since I have an addiciton of moving my blogs around; but for now, that is where my blog resides. Change link URL if you will, this entry will stay here in case people can't find my new blog URL.

Thanks.

note to self

2005-01-22T23:04:00.000-05:00

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Ever dreamed out in the world
There were arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone.

2005-01-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

Grad photo is taken.

Guys all looked horrifically handsome in their suits, it made me wanna hug them. Hehe.

This Saturday is Scarborough Town Centre's sidewalk sale day. Go there if you wanna buy clothes for a really cheap price - but they probably don't have all the sizes or good quality products, since it's like the clearance of what they have in store so they can put out their spring product.

I wanna buy a pair of high heels, although I seriously have no idea how to walk in those. And a nice long sleeve top for performance use.

I suppose my blog isn't really back to its full function yet, but I'll just let it linger on for now.

"All I Ask of You"

2005-01-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

[Male voice] (Raoul)
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I’m here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm you and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I’m here, with you and beside you
To guard you and to guide you

[Female voice] (Christine)
Say you love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

[Raoul]
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You’re safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

[Christine]
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

[Raoul]
Then say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

[Christine]
Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

[Both]
Share each day with me, each night, each morning

[Christine]
Say you love me

[Raoul]
You know I do

[Both]
Love me, that's all I ask of you
…
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

This song speaks my heart. The Phantom of the Opera movie was beyond fantastic; I'm gonna buy the soundtrack CD and the DVD of this movie.

Love is so beautiful.

2005-01-14T13:16:00.000-05:00

I have the urge of abandoning this blog.

It is a question I constantly ask myself: what is the purpose of having a blog? Apparently, writing entries on a blog is not only a way to express yourself and your thoughts, but it is a way to communicate to others. When you decide what to include in an entry, you are consciously aware you are writing it for other people to see. In this sense, nothing can be completely genuine and truthful. As long as you are doing something involving other people, you cannot be truthful to yourself. I feel it's against my will to write something to 'show off', or to write something in concern of how others think (and perhaps to worry about whether this entry will get people to comment); I'd like to write exactly how I feel about certain things.

This, however, relate to other aspects of the concern which I despise. Even when I am writing this particular entry, I am carefully choosing words so that no one will interpret it the wrong way. It is something I hate to do because I think it's superficial and unnatural. Under the influence of a very intimate family member, I realized that I've grown more and more secretive; I hide many things, even things that are trifling. At this instant, I amazed myself considering I'm actually writing an entry (or, telling every reader) about this part of me that I wouldn't normally tell anyone. I wasn't like this. I was open and straight. I think these natural personalities still emerge sometimes, but I've learned to keep things to myself.

Eastern philosophies teach you: more is less; less is more (and other similar profound theories). Derived from this, it is quite consented that the more you say(show off) about how much you know, the less you actually do. In contrary, the less you say, the more you know(of course, exceptions exist everywhere, but it's the minority thus will be ignored in this case). In this sense, I am quite ingorant considering how much I say on my blog. According to this theory, in order to gain true knowledge I should say less and learn more - and that is precisely why I think I should abandon my blog.

The opposing argument I have toward this thought is that the blog can still exist if I only write about personal matters - however as stated above, I have problems doing so. What's the point of letting random readers know about you? So that you can make more friends? If a person is destined to meet you and become a close friend to you, wouldn't that person get to know you in real life eventually? (I believe in pre-determination, destiny and such..) But then, if a person is destined to get to know you, he/she will do so no matter through blog or real life - thus it doesn't matter if you have a blog or not.

Logic doesn't seem to work for me. I need to have some time to listen to my heart.

But my heart seems feeble and rattled.

It seems dead.

2005-01-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

I hate to waste my time on admiring others. I returned to the blank primitive stage.

back from vanishing

2005-01-11T23:02:00.000-05:00

So, I had a few days of decent vanishing, and now I am back alive but not very well. I don't remember since exactly when I started to feel so fatigued, it's like all the weariness has been accumulating in my body, I feel like I can pass out any second. I literally need to stop doing what I'm doing and consciously breathe properly, otherwise I feel suffocated; or I just walk around all day feeling air-headed. If I somehow collapse on you, don't be surprised; and if you see me about to fall, give me hug to make sure I don't, will ya? =) Oh what a thing is my feeble heart...

Despite my fragile condition, I haven't managed to stop myself from laughing my head off every time I look at my dad. Apparently, I bought a little kilt-like skirt and wore it with a pair of pants underneath with my boots the other day, and he was so not used to it and he was making fun of me and such 'trend' of wearing stuff you don't normally wear outside; so what he's doing right now is some action-protest, which involves himself walking around in the room with his white shorts and a pair of blue sweatpants-ish pants underneath. Haha.. my dad can be so crazily funny sometimes. (but seriously, I have seen people walking on the street with shorts outside of pants, and if you can manage well, it actually doesn't look that hilarious.)

Finally I decided the date for The Phantom. It's gonna be this Saturday afternoon, and hopefully the plan won't change...

I sent in the UT questionnaire today, feeling so accomplished - the reason? Well, aside from filling out a 6-page questionnaire and writing an essay, I was also asked to do this financial assessment form. What's dumb is that they asked me to estimate my monthly expense during the 8 months of university: tuition fees, books, housing... understandable; but for clothing? I can spend $0 in a month and $1000 another if I have the money... anyhow. Now I just need to wait to be informed about the audition date... crossing my fingers it won't be anytime before late March.

Now some space for my recent fondness.

Jamie Cullum, a jazz singer/piano player/songwriter who's so darn talented (he's style is also a little rock/punk-ish). He's the kinda guy who uses his butt/feet on the keyboard, and go totally wild with a grand piano. He's also singing the theme song for the new Bridget Jones movie. Check out his stuff here.

Yup, Madeline. I used to watch Madeline on TV in China when I was little, and just a few days ago I saw it on TVO... suddenly all the childhood memory just oozed out on me, felt so enchanted again, just like when I was a little kid. I like Madeline, she's so adorable and sympathetic. :)

Lang Lang's new CD. He's gonna be performing the "Paganini" Rach piece on March. 16th, I gotta order the tickets asap. I saw a documentary about him on TV the other day, all I can say is... *sigh*, a typical Chinese family with ordinary parents who trained their child to be so extraordinary.

2005-01-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

want to vanish.

2005-01-08T14:53:00.000-05:00

I got posted by Tiff, so here it is:

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1/ Sophie
2/ Sof/Soph
3/ Xuefei (don't even try to pronounce it... I'm sure it'd sound funny...)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: (uh.. okay, here goes my last three)
1/ *Rach rocks.
2/ *"Ima good bunny; I'm your huggie."
3/ *it's sick.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1/ twists bad things into a positive perspective
2/ unique and lonely
3/ very emotional

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1/ too lazy
2/ actions done faster than brain thinks
3/ too emotional

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1/ Chinese (Han)
2/ Beijingnese
3/ uh...Handianese.... ?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1/ dogs!!!
2/ no source of music around
3/ no source of internet around

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1/ piano practice
2/ music
3/ internet

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1/ black tee
2/ shorts from La Senza
3/ glasses

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment): artists in my case
1/ F.Chopin
2/ Rachmaninoff
3/ Ravel

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: (although they are not songs...)
1/ Schindler's List - Itzhak Perlman
2/ violin concerto in D - Tchaikovsky
3/ La Valse - Ravel

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1/ live on my own
2/ straighten my hair ...?
3/ play in a quartet/chamber group

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1/ love intensely and passionately
2/ honesty and openness
3/ that's about it... maybe being hugged all the time..? =P

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU: (for guys, don't really have any... physical things aren't as important as inner qualities)
1/ white girls with black hair
2/ guys who don't stand with a crooked back
3/ Asian people without blond hair

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1/ be with dogs... (ahh! *runs* I dunno, maybe someday I'll manage...)
2/ crack my fingers
3/ watch people mistreating their hands

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1/ anything relate to music
2/ shopping
3/ reading/drawing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1/ sleep
2/ own a (good) grand piano
3/ tie my hair back - it's pretty hot in here

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1/ something to do with music
2/ freelancer/(fashion, interior) designer
3/ I dunno, anything liberal is good. (I hate being bossed over)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: (... so many! but I'll just pick 3, randomly)
1/ Egypt
2/ Russia
3/ Vienna

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1/ a Chinese name
2/ Cyanne
3/ Audrey

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1/ travel the world
2/ own my own Steinway
3/ experience the purest and holiest and most passionate love

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DO THIS MEME:
1/ Jeff
2/ Ken
3/ MRC

/EDIT

Disaster

2005-01-07T19:15:00.000-05:00

今天教学楼门口摆了一个募捐箱，让我们给印度洋海啸灾区捐钱，我很严肃地说?凭什么呀？?
我不愿为那个野蛮的民族表现出一点点的人道主义，他们不配
我又想起99年，印尼华人在印尼遭受的虐待，多少华人在印尼被打死，然后暴尸街头，多少华人在印尼被强奸，华人的商店被抢劫，以尼政府对这些暴行给予的是默许！
这世界上怎么还有这么不要脸的民族，居然还好意思接受中国的援助！恶心至极！
中国人也真有钱，我们的西部还没开发，我们还有两千万贫困人口没有解决温饱问题，我们还没为自己国家捐钱，为什么要去管别人家的事情？
新闻里有个老太太，含着眼泪说：?我们自己家要是有个亲人离开我们，我们该多难受，更何况这十几万人。?
如此高的觉悟。
我又想到我们国家的福利院，养老院，还有那些拿政府救济金，只有钱吃饭，没有钱看病，受病魔折磨的老人和残疾人，还有的，依旧是那两千万吃不饱肚子的中国人！
我们的觉悟哪去了？面对我们同一种族，流着同一脉血的同胞，我们的觉悟哪去了？
看到那些募捐活动，我越来越觉得可笑，我们是不是把钱财塞到敌人的腰包，为敌人擦干鲜血，等着他们再拿起刺刀？

(It's okay if you can't read Chinese) This is from Zoe's blog where she expressed her scornful attitude towards the Tsunami catastrophe happened in South Asia. Zoe was one of my best friends in China, and is still very close to me, we went to the same middle school together in Beijing - she wrote that in our school there is a box set up for the donations to help the people and the countries affected by the disaster and she thought that it is rather ridiculous because around year 1998 and 1999, Chinese people in Indonesia were outrageously killed, raped, humiliated; their houses were burned, possessions were sabotaged, even the corpse were just left out on the streets. This humiliating enormity out of racial discrimination is never to be forgotten but now, the natural disastrous occurrence happened in Indonesia and there're so many compassionate people in China trying to help and some of them are crying with heart-felt tears saying how sorrowful they are and how bad they feel with the people at the affected areas - while China itself needs donations from its own people considering how many people are in hunger and are homeless...

I so sympathize with her. No intentional biased opinions, but Chinese people are a little too benevolently kind (gentle, warm-hearted, whatever word you wanna use) sometimes; I mean, you never see Chinese troops invading other countries, it's always China who's being invaded (by the Eight Power Allied Force, Japan, etc...) ; Chinese people don't usually discriminate against other races to the point they start killing them, but they are always the ones being targeted (the famous -rather, infamous - holocaust of Nanjing by the Japanese, the Indonesians, etc..); and now when Chinese people themselves are starving to hunger, they are trying to help others. Of course, "benevolent", "kind", are complimentary words, but words like "cowardly","recreant" also imply the same idea. Sometimes Chinese people are just so pathetically cravenhearted - it is understandable that under the Confucius teaching, people are supposed to be nice to each other and try to help as much as they can; but at least we should have our own pride and a clear mind of what self-respect is, as well as whom we should honour and how to honour them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should just let the people who lost their families, their homes, their whole world starve to death; I do express my deep condolences to the individuals who, as mentioned above, are the victims of such unfortunate event. However, they should just stop being such babies and stop sitting on their butts pleading for help. Recall the Tangshan earthquake which was as horrendous as the tsunami that happened in 1976 in China, 242,419 people died alone; and combined the five major affected countries' death statistics, how many people died in the tsunami? Now maybe around 180,000? And who kindly helped the Chinese people? No one. Who cried for the Chinese people other than themselves? No one. Who pleaded for donations internationally? No one. Who supplied clothing, $$, equipments? No one. (due to the isolation advocated by the States and other European countries who held disparate political stance again the Chinese communism, and for their own benefit to not to recognize the new P.R.China) Chinese people stood on themselves, self-dependently survived this natural disaster which appears to be much worse than the tsunami in terms of the death toll. Just because the affected countries are places where major Western tourists go, so it is deemed as "probably the most horrible natural catastrophe that had ever happened to mankind" (I didn't make this up, I've heard people say that) ? What a paradox. To not to confuse you, I am just saying that yes, they deserve the help, but there is a limit - now it just seems like it's everything we all talk about, everything news media reports. It is unfortunate that it happened, and my thoughts are with them (again, the individuals, not the race as a whole); but it did happen and so adapt to it and live it, start working on rebuilding your homes and stop making yourselves sound so hopeless and helpless.

There, you see, I'm mean sometimes. But I dunno, half of the time I'm confused myself - but I suppose having an opinion is better than not having one. I'm pretty sure there're many counter arguments to my points mentioned, and I'm also pretty sure that my opinions are biased. So be it, 'cuz I'm quite sure the counter arguments are biased too, more or less. I just had to let it out, so I can selfishly feel better. =)

2005-01-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

Fantabulous. It's snowing!

Last night I went to bed around 8:45-ish and got up at 8:30 (thanks to the cancellation of jazz band rehearsal). Almost a 12-hour sleep! How precious was that when school is undergoing? Profoundly.

I was really really tired last night, and I realized that I've been doing actual works lately. Being tired out is awesome, it makes me feel so productive and so grown-up, hehe.

So I still have to pay for the uni application, and I've decided to apply to UT, OCAD and Western. Where are YOU applying to? .. and for what program(s)?

p.s. If the plural of 'scherzo' is 'scherzi' and the plural of 'concerto' is 'concerti', shouldn't the plural of 'piano' be 'piani'? hee hee...

music is everything

2005-01-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

So today, after the appointment, I went to one of my all time favourite places - the reference library on Yonge, and sat there listening to recordings for four consecutive hours. No exaggeration implied, my soul feels refreshed.

Originally I planned to go there and listen to several versions of Chopin Ballade No.3 and check for some wrong notes printed on my score, and ended up with lots of note-taking (rather, music score scribbling and circling). Three versions of the Ballade were played by Krystian Zimmerman, Vladmir Ashkenazy and Ignaz Friedman, and I'll have to say that Zimmerman's version was the best. Zimmerman, being Yundi Li's 'idol', possesses a lot of chopinesque characteristics (partly has to do with the fact that he's Polish), and I was listening to Ballade No.1 in G minor played by him, tears were stealthily slipping their ways out...then came the memory of the Eastman masterclass performance and the 'Zal' written on my score by Dr. Paul Poleii... and most importantly, how melancholy and grieved Chopin must had been when he heard about his home country being invaded by Russia... I've never heard a recording of Ballade in G this soul-stirring.

Friedman is crazy.He altered a lot of music - I think it's safe to say that about every piece he played, he changed some notes and rhythm. He's version of Liszt's La Campanella is quite cuddly, heehee... and also technically impossible.

I also listened to a recording of Ravel's piano concerto composed for left hand. It was fantastic. By looking at the score, one can hardly tell it's written only for left hand; and by listening to it, it's just another piano concerto. Much of this concerto sounded like Bolero, the orchestral rhythm part. But it was quite fun.

Next book on the list: Beethoven by Romain Rolland.
Next piece on the list: Prokofiev's piano sonata. Some, if not all. =P

Music really helps with IQ (and EQ! hehe..). Music includes everything; it is everything.

2005-01-03T18:46:00.000-05:00

First day back to school feels awakening. I just printed out all the forms U of T requires and am attempting to fill them out. Auditions will most likely take place in late March or early April, I've got 5 pieces to prepare for that and 2 complete concerti for other performances... in addition, I have a 2cm-thick sketch book to fill out before April and some 3D art project & photography to do. Yay, that can keep me busy for a while.

I still have to go see The Phantom of the Opera and The Polar Express, and possibly The House of Flying Daggers, but my parents are so opposed to the idea of seeing movies during school months... I just hope by March break these movies will still be on, or some good ones will come out.

Tomorrow I'm having an appointment and after that I'm going to the reference library to listen to recordings from 4p.m. to 8p.m.. I miss that place so much. After that, perhaps some me-time at Starbucks? Or go check out books at Elliot's if it'll still be open.

Hmm... I just have too much fun with myself during school days, heehee.

2005-01-02T19:25:00.000-05:00

Just click...

Stolen from Robert's lovely blog. =)

written on the first day

2005-01-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

The last... in 2004
*thing I ate - chocolate
*person I hugged - ... Tiff, Dali? can't remember.
*person I called - my mom
*movie I watched - Darkness
*person I talked to - Ivan
*website I went to - U of T application page...
*person who called me - Clark

The first... in 2005
*thing I ate - egg roll
*person I hugged - Ivan
*person I called - my mom
*person I talked to - Ivan
*TTC I took - subway, from Queen to King
*I did - videotaping and breathing simultaneously
*website I went to - my blog

Oh last night was great. Darkness was quite freaky, as I expected. Didn't really see anything clearly at NPS for New Year's Bash, except for Shirley and Andrew shot on the big screen answering what their names were, and kissing. It wasn't very cold, but the wind certainly made it chilly. After the countdown when the crowd was walking to the subway stations, it reminded me what it was like in China. A woman was drunk and was dancing at the centre of the street while holding a beer bottle - hey, I thought it was advocated that this whole thing was alcohol-free. It was 1 something a.m. when I got on the RT, and for the first time, I got the whole compartment to myself for the whole ride from Kennedy to McCowan. It was quiet, and a little scary too; but fun. And I also had the chance to take some narcissistic pictures on the train, heehee...

I don't have any huge plans for this year, but it sure seeems like an important year to me: turning 18, getting into uni, going back to China, and also several major piano performances/competitions too. I'll be a good girl and live through this year.

Yay school on Monday, I'm getting bored at home.

p.s. I found the little piece of paper which determined my performance order when I was in the States for the Eastman International Piano Competition. This is The '13' I drew from the bastket.

p.p.s. I heard the host say "Velcome" on the radio, 96.3fm. Haha, he was introducing a German composer and he got carried away.

written on the last day

2004-12-31T15:16:00.000-05:00

I downloaded the newest Feng Xiaogang movie "A World Without Thieves" (天下无贼) off and on over 3 days and finally finished downloading this morning, I watched it with my mom and we enjoyed it greatly. The plot was pretty unpredictable (one of the most important things I look for in books, movies, plays, etc.) and the background music is quite subtle and soothing. I loved it.

After watching it, I was thinking about how parents should teach their children in the future. Seemingly the inculcation of being a righteous person can't stand alone without any preconditions anymore, because there're incidents in China of which when a 'good' person sees unjustice and tries to help, this person is hurt badly by the villain and the spectators are all afraid of doing something to help, because they are afraid of being hurt. Also, nowadays in China, nearly no one can survive (in the sense of the least valuable goals of getting some money and support a family) without bribery or connections, does that mean that the parents should teach their children the refined 'art of bribery'? Even if they are reluctant on teaching this, they seem compelled to; five thousands years of Confucian teaching is being trampled on. Perhaps China needs another revolution, when they reach the limit of corruption and emotional callus they'll realize money isn't the only thing they need and crave for.

It doesn't seem like an appropriate topic to write about on the last day of 2004, but I guess every day is just another day and it doesn't matter what significance it represents, it's always an ordinary day just like what has passed and what will come. I'm going to see the movie Darkness at 8p.m. and then go to Nathan Phillips Square for the count down. I hope the melting snow won't drench my shoes or my socks... it feels utterly uncomfortable.

Happy last-day of 2004 everyone, thanks for the cyber support throughout the whole year, and from The Sorrows of Young Werther: "God bless you, my dear friends, and may he grant you the happiness which he denies to me!" - hehe, I'm not that hopeless, but you get the idea. Wish you all a very gratifying new year. =)

2004-12-29T22:32:00.000-05:00

I was bored, so I downloaded litestep and almost screwed my PC's operating system. So I deleted it, got trillian, disliked it. Then, I got msn shell 4 and got another XP skin. And here it is. =)

2004-12-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

Oh my stomach hurts so badly... I'm practically a good-for-nothing.
And I hate Chinese fobs so much, it's not even funny.

2004-12-28T16:46:00.000-05:00

I just read what I had written on my first English blog (blogdrive), and it occured to me that I had much to say about the world then and was more free to write them out. Compare to my present blog, I think I've lost perhaps courage to write about things I detest. It is said that when one is born, one is rarely afriad of anything; but as he grows up he discovers many things and is constantly aware of the consequences that might come out of even the most trifling decisitions, thus ruminates on every little action he takes. It is neither good not bad, it is just how people are. However I still feel a little sad knowing I'm less in quantity of something 'good' than I used to be.

When I was about 3 or 4, I lived with my grandmother because my parents were quite busy with their work. One day my mom came over to visit me and my grandmother, and they were staying in the yard with my grandmother's friends chatting and I was running around like any other 3/4 year olds. There was a huge dog lying on the ground taking a nap and I tiptoed over and stepped on the dog's tail with all my strength. Of course the dog woke up and was looking for the malicious one, but I already ran off.

Also, my grandmother owned a puffy Persian cat, and I used to stare at its eyes face to face (literally) with a distance only about 2cm. My mom was afraid that the cat would scrath my face or my eyes, but I enjoyed staring at it so much she just had to let me. The cat, weirdly, stared back at me and never scratched me.

Hmm.. one more story. My mom bought a little fuzzy chicks for me and she put them in a box and put the box on the balcony. So one day, I just grab one little chick and stood up, walked over to the edge of the balcony and suddenly let go of my hand and then the chick was thrown from 6th floor to the ground. Dead, presumably.

Freaky isn't it? Trust me, not only was I so darn 'brave', I was also a little naughty devil who pissed my mom off until the point she could cry (bad things I did can be written in a book as thick as the calc textbook). But I don't remember doing those things, I was told by my parents. They startled me when they told me, it was like listening to stories about little Hitler. And now, I don't even dare to go near dogs, I can only pet the cats, and even thinking about throwing chicks makes me wanna cry. Although I still piss my mom off, but I'll always have to obey her like an promoted obedient Chinese child should do.

Anyway. I just did some worthwhile blogging. That feels better.

leave me alone and let me fotoblog

2004-12-27T21:39:00.000-05:00

Eastman's dorm stairs. walked on the avg of 5 times/day.

2004-12-27T21:31:00.000-05:00

the missed

2004-12-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

...nway & s... ons

2004-12-27T21:28:00.000-05:00

the beloved

v.2

2004-12-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

Happy new layout!

Robert inspired me for this design and yup, here it is. The only problem is that I'm not sure if the layout is only viewable on IE.

2004-12-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

How has your Christmas gone? Lots unwrapping effort? Hugs, kisses, tears, smiles? Hmm... it's lovely. Christmas this year is filled so much with love, or perhaps it's just me growing more close to the palpitant realization of what love feels like.

Oooo, I am so looking forward to this HP fans trip to London , summer 2005. I'm currently interested in the "Weekend - 4 Days/3 Nights - July 31 to August 3" plan, and am looking for a few people who are in the same camp so we can get a discount up to $400. The price on the website is in USD, converted to Canadian dollars it's about $982.37050. But if we can get more people to come and get $400 USD off, that's $818 per person, in Canadian dollars.... which is about 4 months of working at Walter's... which isn't so bad. I'll manage, just refrain from buying clothes for 4 months, c'mon, how hard can that be. =P

Who's going to the new year's eve thingy at Nathan Philips Square? .. and who's free and bored enough to go see The Phantom of the Opera with me?

It is Christmas time in the city.

2004-12-23T19:14:00.000-05:00

Christmas spirit has taken possession of me with the sweet and fresh smell of the snow and the genial balm of the unified world covered with such purified sight. I am missimg someone, rather, missing part of me. If this, from Eleven Minutes, is really true that originally man and woman were one blend object but were seperated by a god out of jealousy of their sufficient work and reproductive ability, then I have no reason to be disconsolate. Although I don't know where he is, who he is or how many more years I will have to wait, but it makes me smile when I know that he is somewhere on this planet, sharing the same tender silvery moonlight with me. One Christmas eve, The Christmas eve when I meet him, I'll tell him how much I love him and how completed I am.

Back to the insipid reality. I am presently standing at a corssroad, gazing nonchalantly at a direction, not knowing where to go. Anent my arrival, was it out of my voluntary yet subconscious action or was I being put out like this by fate? I don't know. The ghastly surroudnings is blurred, I hear things, but they seem so distant. I thought I'd found someone comforting and trusting after I stood up and walked out of my little dark corner, but no; sadly my heretofore statment is correct, I proved it correct again - that the only person who is closest to understanding us is ourselves. It is true that if one doesn't take risk in life, one will never experience the excitment - in this case the exceitment is positive, because the destiny of pain is to mingle with bliss and become part of it - but now, I'd rather go back to my little corner and curl up again.

I don't know what I know, I don't know what I want to know. Sometimes I want to live a migrant life like Annie Baby, repeatedly stray out of a comfort zone that has just been established. But it seems like I was born to a debt, and it is my obligation to live to repay, I cannot escape. I owe somebody, and somebody will be just like me when they are born and to come to the realization that they live to repay the debt; it seems intrinsic within my blood. Thus I won't let that person to be born, I'm having enough.

It is just a matter of whether to stop sitting on my ass and do something different or keep doing what I've been doing for my whole life. But the gravitational force is too strong, I cannot get up that easily. Oh look, I always blame others but myself... I'm just too hopeless.

Perhaps I will become a hermit for a few days. In any case, wish you all a merry Christmas; and if you happen to have found The One, cherish that person; if not, hey, it always makes you feel better knowing someone else is just like you.

Oh it's a white Christmas : )

HP news

2004-12-22T22:51:00.000-05:00

It feels like a rather quiet period of time without any magical notions, well... guess what? The 6th book: HP and the Half Blood Prince will be out next summer.

From one of the most popular HP sites - MuggleNet.com:

HBP: July 16, 2005
JK Rowling's two English language publishers Scholastic and Bloomsbury announced
today that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince will be released at midnight
BST (British Summer Time) in the United Kingdom, United States, Canada,
Australia, New Zealand and South Africa on Saturday, July 16th, 2005. Bloomsbury
will be releasing both the hardback childrens and adult versions (same text,
different cover) of HBP like the previous books, both with a recommended retail
price of ?16.99, with the US version at $29.99 (although some stores have
already set their pre-order price at $17.99). Bloomsbury has informed us that
HBP will be "a bit shorter than Order of the Phoenix."We owe a huge thank you to
Jo Rowling for this wonderful news and we wish her a very Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year!
Pre-order at Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.ca.

Apparently, just hours after the first pre-orders were taken, this book already zoomed its way up to #1 bestseller on Amazon. Now I really, really want that book.

Another gift after the publication of the newest book is the 4th movie: HP and the Goblet of Fire, and this will be released on November 18, 2005. Can't wait? Well... unfortunately I can do nothing about it, I'm just a muggle.. however here are some pictures from that movie and hopefully they'll be enough of some appetizer.

MSN Messenger 7 BETA Download 7.0

2004-12-22T18:41:00.000-05:00

MSN Messenger 7 BETA Download 7.0

2004-12-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

Clark and I had a fun afternoon at Kensington Market buying Christmas presents for ourselves. I am officially pennyless.

The Lantern Parade started around 6:30pm and it was truely a fantastic event. We danced with the crowd and were admiring how beautiful people's lanterns were. We are going to make our own next year, to outweigh the prettiness of other people's lanterns, haha.

Updated my fotolog. Unseen.

via email

2004-12-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

My last post via email screwed the code of my blog. Let's hope this one works properly.

Do you Yahoo!?
Send holiday email and support a worthy cause. Do good.

all Christmas

2004-12-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

Christmas baby

Christmas hottie

Christmas old man

and... some ideas for Christmas parties

2004-12-19T22:15:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to post a new entry via email but I haven't succeeded. I don't know what is wrong with my blogger setting and it's quite frustrating.

Attended a concert at the George Weston Recital Hall last night, it was beyond fantastic. Performers included the Amadeus Choir and the Bach Children's Chorus - they sounded angelic! They performed several Canadian pieces and American pieces, among which were works composed by winners from the Christmas Carol and Chanukah Song Writing Competiiton. The winners also attended the concert and while they were on the stage being announced, we surprisingly realized that Scott Reynolds from Woburn (the trumpeter in jazz band) was one of them, all dressed up and looking nice. His work was performed in the concert, it was rather short, composed in Finnish, and elite. What a holy evening.

Speaking of concerts, another one that I've been looking forward to (the Mozart's THREE piano concerto) is getting its tickets sold out. If anyone is interested, please please tell me asap because the tickets are going to be hardly procured. Date: Jan. 16th 3p.m..

It was so darn freezing outside, I alomst freezed my butt off. I dislike those days that look sunny and bright but are splittingly cold.

It is such a wonder how ridiculous my dad is sometimes. And it's not just my dad, my friends complain about theirs as well (hmph, you should listen to Steph Ng's father's stories, you can laugh your head off). It started perhaps about a few months ago, and sometimes I really doubt if his brain is temporarily dysfunctional.
On Saturday, when I was getting ready to work...
dad: aren't you bringing your piano score?
me: ... why?
dad: so you can practise.
me:. ...(what?!) dad, I teach there, I don't have time to practise.
dad: oh? didn't you always bring your score and practise there?
me: ... (did I ever?)
dad: so you are coming back for lunch?
me: nah, I get off at 2pm. (how long have I been working there? isn't he supposed to know that?)
dad: oh, so you'll be back around 1 or 2 right?
me: ... didn't I just say I get off at 2? I'll be back around 2:30....

=S

Anyway. So the break officially starts within 52min, and my plans haven't been planned out quite nicely yet. I have to catch up on calc since I haven't done 2 weeks worth of homework; and also need to practise more... then there's English ISU to enjoy as well as uni applications to play with. Movies I want to watch: The Polar Express and The Phantom of the Opera; especially the latter. Want to go to the reference library for a few times to just sit there and listen to recordings from 4pm until they close (8pm) and then go to Starbucks and just melt in the darkness and coldness (hopefully with snow too).

Although I'm not particularly confused about my identity, but this is how Google defines Sophie. Thanks, it is very complimentary.

Oh I'm really tired. And I am such a scared-of-dogs maniac. It is a phobia, if not worse.

she's black, she's not very tall

2004-12-16T16:00:00.000-05:00

.. she's Eva and she's America's next top model.

Amanda got eliminated in the 2nd last round, leaving only Eva and Yaya. But I still love Amanda, she's absolutely gorgeous.

ah... pretty pretty girls.

2004-12-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

Winter night's air smells so fresh
I feel like being caressed.
Knowing that it is cold
it soothes me
it dries my tears away.

I am brave on a winter night
with the snow and the splitting wind.
I don't know where they'll take me
but I am here
looking up at the sky.

It is not a starry night.

....

Last night was the gr.8 parents night, it was sad seeing more people sitting in the aud than on the concert night. I hope it'll snow soon.

It's happening again. This depresses me more than
words can describe. I liked someone, but because I never talked or saw him ever,
I don't like him anymore. And I love liking people. Especially when there is
nothing better to do in this stupid town. Its like you actually have a reason
for looking nice when you go to school, a reason for coming to school. But, that
has passed. I don't like him anymore. It seems. Maybe once I go to the feeder
schools with him on Thursday it will come back - probably- as for now. I like
noone.

Read this on Her's blog. I agree, it is nice liking someone, even though that person doesn't know about it. But it's sad that in the end, the little crush just vanishes groudlessly. Sometimes it's better to not to tell that person, so everything feels natural and good; and when that person doesn't know about it, you have little expectations every single day, it makes you so happy when you see that person and get to talk to him/her. Once you go out with them, heehee, all you have is the listless worries. Well, there're exceptions, but it is generally true. =P

For people who are interested in going to the Handel Messiah, please check out the infomation HERE. We are planning to go to the Dec.18th performance (8p.m.) and since we are not rich, we are going to buy tickets at the price of $35. I think we need to buy tickets beforehand (online or calling the box office) so please decide a.s.a.p..

1 more week to go

2004-12-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm sitting in front of a computer in the guidance computer lab during STAR. Just went back to read all of my posts from September, I realized how lucky I am to have readers who care about what I have to write. Just wanna thank you guys =) Also I discovered for most of the Sep. & Oct. entries, the comment number is '0'. Weird thing is, if you click on 'you say' and look at the pop-up window, all the comments are still there... Is it just my blog or haloscan's got a problem?

Anyway. Christmas shopping is officially done. My mom laughed at me when she saw the Harry Potter calendar I got for my piano teacher, well I love my teacher and she loves Harry Potter (I think...) so who cares about what my mom thinks, heh. I finally bought the dress I desired for 2 months from Smart Set, $45.99 marked down to $34.99. Old Navy is having huge discounts (50%, 20%) and so are a lot of other stores in STC. Check them out if you are still compelled to spend some money on buying gifts.

Two tests tomorrow - vocal and calc. Aw the break will be here soon... Presently, my supposed plans for the holiday are
i) attend a Handel Mass concert of some sort
ii) PMall shopping on Friday the 17th
iii) downtown TO for sure for sure
iv) 4 year landing-in-Canada anniversary dinner on the 20th
v) go see a movie with my parents for Christmas

Please msn me (sofxz@yahoo.com) or email me or however you can get in touch with me to take me somewhere at some point for the holiday, I'm pretty sure I'll be bored at home. From what I experienced in the past summer holidays, I can't afford to be bored again - I'd seriously be insane! ='(

hmm... STAR is over, I'm gonna go practise now.

forsv: potpourri of thoughts: The Color Of Bhutan

2004-12-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

To fulfill SV's request, here's the post.

Please click on the title to read the post.

pictures!

2004-12-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

To correspond with the pic on Tiff's blog. =P

I've been dragging my body reluctantly for the whole day, I could fall on the ground and fall asleep right away. Today Woburn seemed to empty. It was raining outside, and inside I was sleeping. Everything felt so cold.

I did leave my camera in my locker, and the pictures are up now. Visit my fotolog.

... and the link for HourOne isn't working for me...

I'm not drunken

2004-12-10T06:05:00.000-05:00

Okay I almost stayed up all night and right now it's 6:06am. Being told not to sleep when it's almost morning, I went around reading people's blogs (blah-gs, Parthi? =P) and now I just have the impulse to write, so I'm just gonna sit here with my laptop on top of my lap and see how long this entry goes.

This entry's probably gonna be somewhat incoherent, because for most of the time, my thoughts are truncated. It's sad. I remember I had a perfectly smooth way of thinking when I was in China, I thought in Chinese; now, I think in English most of the time. It's interesting when you come to think of it, we hardly ever stop thinking about things in our heads - heads, what strange objects; round, hairy and full of whims. I've always thought that I'm losing the ability to describe things with language, it bothers me a lot. I am stuck between Chinese and English; I still clearly remember the first time I couldn't find the right Chinese word for an expression that I had to use English instead. It was horrifying. I grew more and more distant to Chinese, and yet I'm not close enough to English: I'm a person with no language.

Not just problems with speaking, I also have problems hearing. First I thought it was because my English isn't good enough so whenever people talk to me, I'd have to ask them to repeat it; but then I went back to China to visit, realized that I'd have to do that same with my friends. Sadly came to the conclusion that I have hearing problems. Oh well.

Although when I first came to Canada I did have to ask people to repeat, because I was only a 'pathetic girl who doesn't understand a thing'. My world was lonely. I remember these two white girls making fun of me, I remember this brown girl and her group treating me not-so-nicely to the point that I started crying, I remember one of the first words I learned at school was 'shut up' just so I can tell all those people who were making fun of me to shut their mouth up. I promised myself I wouldn't crawl back to the little corner where I can find temporary peace, I knew I was ignorant, and perhaps still am, but knowing that fact only means to learn more. We are all fragile, but we can be strong.

Many blogs I read today reveal the innermost feelings of the blogger; it is pathetic to think that we'd rather write down what we truely feel than telling people. But seemingly it is the fact. It is so hard to trust a person.

Oh I feel so light-headed right now. A recital on Sunday... Ken, would it be possible if we play through La Valse once before the break?

I love sleeping, but I don't spoil it by sleeping a lot. I've been getting that surreal feeling after I wake up from a beautiful or melancholy dream lately; it's absolutely addictive. Nothing can feel more dreamy than this, although perhaps using drugs. The night is serene, I feel like myself. I shall end here I suppose, another day is ahead of me, us.

happiness and unhappiness

2004-12-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

Fantastic concert it was. I'd really like to put on the pictures, but ... I think I lost my camera. I probably left it in my locker or in the bathroom when I was changing or something, I have this temporary memory loss problem. (I make all sorts of stupid mistakes like once I thought I lost the score for a jazz band piece when we were about to perform on the stage, Mr.Farrow got everyone to look for it and eventually I realized that it was sitting on my stand behind the folder...)

Anyway. My yamaha U3 arrived this morning, and as the movers were moving my Apollo out, I suddenly had tears in my eyes. I've had 4 pianos (including this yamaha) and I've never sold one, this is the only exception... I get very emotionally attached to my pianos, they are always sitting waiting for me no matter how brutally the world treats me. Ah, I'll still be seeing my Apollo though, since the buyer will be my student; but still, it doesn't belong to me anymore =( .... And I also received a parcel containing three of the eight books I order the other day. That was fast.

Aww... I'm so worried about my camera....

2004-12-08T20:22:00.000-05:00

I took a few pics today, but this is the only one turned out well. Madrigal folks: sorry, though I promised to photoshop our group pic, but it is too dark to make anything good out of it. We still have time before the Christmas break - tomorrow... CONCERT DAY!

2004-12-07T16:52:00.000-05:00

I am happy today.

Just ordered 8 books on chapters.indigo.ca, 3 of them are gifts for people. I still haven't finished Christmas shopping, I'm struggling to get satisfying gifts.

Got the following from SV's blog:

world's costliest Advertisement
This Advertisement for the new Honda Accord was shot in real time with no CGI involved in the sequence. It required 606 takes and cost $6 million to shoot.

=O

Heehee, I feel so happy at this moment! (no particular reason)

Miss World 2004: the official website - Home - Introduction

2004-12-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

Miss World 2004: the official website - Home - Introduction

Miss Canada isn't that beautiful...

inferiority

2004-12-03T19:49:00.000-05:00

I came home, feeling rather drowsy despite the fact that it's a Friday; my spirit could only be lightened through the surreal dreams. I slept for hours.

It makes me cranky and grumpy when somebody brusquely opens my door, imposing the idea that I've got to wake up. I become imbued with the plaintive self-deprecation, tears started dropping. Many things I do, are without an explicit reason.

I sat down on the piano bench, still rattled with the ambivalence of the groundless melancholy and the supposed happiness. I cannot hear a note I play. Suddenly I become incogitant and imcompatible with my action. I have yet to cavil at the pieces that I'm playing, but I'm really not in the mood, I feel spaced out.

Rather than sitting there to waste my life, I've chosen to sit at my table and study English.

... and I've been bothered by the truth that most people around me are rattlebrained. Oh I feel so alone and depreciated.

feeder school

2004-12-02T19:47:00.000-05:00

Had a great day performing at the feeder schools today; this was my 4th and last time.

When I get up late, my brain doesn't function well -that is case for today. I woke up at 8:00a.m.... which is the time that I'm supposed to be at school. Dad almost knocked the door down when he was trying to wake me up, but I remember setting the alarm clock at 7:20 last night and didn't hear anything this morning....
me: grr... how come the alarm clock didn't ring?
dad: it did.
me: no way!
dad: yes it did, but you set it off.
me: ....
It certainly does sound like something I'd do.

Everyone did well today. I was 'sight-reading' the chamber choir music; it had never occured to me that I was supposed to ask them for a copy of that piece so I could practise a bit... not to mention, I played tons of wrong notes. Spare me. Aside from this, i) I hate Stodola Pumpa ii) Blue Rondo rocked iii) got myself a 3cm cut and dunno how I got it iv) never knew Silence could make people throw up.

Kids are annoying, and cute.

Parthi and Danny were expressing how happy they felt today on the way home, also saying how the music people understand each other. It is true, it feels great being with music people - I still clearly remember every little detail of the Eastman experience... but it could be competitive at times. And also what I found about Woburn music students is that the Wind Ensemble people are colder and more 'unfriendly' than the choir people, but they are perhaps more intellectual than the choir people. No offence, just some personal opinion.

The day ended on a happy note. And I'm glad you liked my boots. =)

Mao and Che

2004-12-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

Thumbs up.

getting and giving

2004-11-28T20:42:00.000-05:00

Tiff and Robyn inspired me for this post - about Christmas and gifts.

It isn't really customary to give out presents in China for Christmas; although we are here in Canada, my family still doesn't celebrate Christmas thus I never get presents from my parents - but that's fine, they've been constantly giving for 17 years. What I really hate about giving presents is that most people do it i) initially because they want something in return ii) passively because they are 'supposed' to return the favour. I don't see any sincerity in giving presents in such way, things you give out are supposed to be the token of your thankfulness for what people have done for you or love towards people, not some compelled superficial 'kindness'. I'd rather not be given a present without sincerity than given an expensive present being expected to return the favour. Thus, if you get a present from me, please don't feel constrained to give one back and don't give me a present out of expectation of getting one in return. As Tiff said, it's a big waste to spend money on something not practical, and to avoid such extravagancy, here's the list of what I want:

* Chopin Piano Sonata score
* Tchaikovsky/Grieg piano concerto score
* Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho
hmm...there isn't much of what I want when I come to think of it...

things that I don't really really need but would be lovely gifts to me
* funky rings, skirts, shirts, necklaces
* the designer necklace at the AGO store
* philosophy/music/art/Harry Potter (not the 5th one) books
* tickets to Cats/Lang Lang's concert in March
* or simply cards/hugs

I love buying presents for people; it makes me so happy and contented especially when people like my presents. I'm actually planning to spend a decent amount of money to buy poeple presents this Christmas, because it's my last year of high school (yay!) and so last chance for buying Christmas gifts for school friends... after that, I'm not even sure if I'll see them for Christmas anymore =( and it's also the last year of the underaged me, I shall spend it away. Heh...

Some tangential remarks: I'm getting a Yamaha U3! and selling my old Apollo =[ It's the first piano we bought after we landed in Toronto, and it's been with us for almost 4 years... I'll miss it so much...

listen, but don't kill yourself

2004-11-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

...because you are about to listen to the famous (or rather... infamous) "suicide song".

Literally, suicide song. It is called "Gloomy Sunday"(you might've heard of it), composed by a Hungarian songwriter who lived during Hitler's time. Apparantly there're 17 alleged cases of suicide somewhat relate to this song, including the songwriter himself and his girlfriend. Many people have the melancholy stuck in their heads after listening to this song and ended their lives either after listening/playing or reading the words. Read more about it HERE, and listen to it HERE (sorry I can only find the Sarah McLachlan version, the original version is too rare) - and, be prepared, any negative reaction has nothing to do with me as I'm warning you.

The words, translated in English:

Sunday is gloomy
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless
Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coach
Of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought
Of ever returning you
Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided
To end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers
That are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know
That I'm glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul
I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart dear
Darling I hope
That my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you
How much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy Sunday

I'm feeling a little compressed right now, feeling weird in my stomach. If you don't see me on Monday, add 1 to the 17.

2004-11-26T20:39:00.000-05:00

Now I've read all Sophie Kinsella's books. Ha.

Becky really pissed me off during the 4th book, I knew she was dumb, but I didn't know she could be THAT dumb. Kinsella portrayed Becky's sister as such a frugal person that it felt a little awkward reading the disparate sisters. But I'd say the 4th book is the one with the most adventure among all the books she's written about Becky - literally. I just don't understand how such a dumb person could eventually turn the whole world upside down. Anyway... at least it was pretty entertaining.

jeopardized existence

2004-11-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

I was talking to P about how people gossip - or 'mistaken', a nicer word to use - you when you are walking with another person. People can be really mean if they want to:

Say you are a girl, and

You are walking with a guy
"Oooo... are you guys going out?"

You are walking with a girl
"....uh.. are you les?"

You are walking with your parents
"Such a baby."

You are walking with your sibling
"You have no friends."

Finally, you walk alone this time
"Hmph, what a loner."

2004-11-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

oh I just forgot one little statement: I hate Woburn. I hate all Woburnian rumours; most people there just have nothing good to talk about. So pathetic that it makes me wanna puke everytime I walk into that building. I can't wait to graduate.

2004-11-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

When something progresses so swiftly, the next thing you know will be the exact opposite extreme.

...

I went to OCAD for the national portfolio day with Clark. Carried the canvas folder thingy (super old, my mom bought long time ago when she was an active art-lover) containing some of my art works and a roll of my sketches - apparently it was very inconvenient to take the TTC to OCAD with the huge crowd (kids!) going to downtown for the Christmas parade while carrying those.

I waited for about 2h in line for some critique from the professors and the total time I talked to them was less than 10min. I was attentively engaged in a conversation with Clark while waiting in line, and this girl behind me butted in and was talking so loudly and excitedly with the word 'fuck' in every other sentence. She wanted to get in for graphic design, and was just so thrilled to be there.

I loved OCAD, but I dunno. Music or art? Fine art or design? Ah... I hate gr.12 for making choices.

Japanese school girls

2004-11-20T20:54:00.000-05:00

2004-11-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

I am dropping history. I think. Reason: I'm not learning anything in class yet I have so much work to do. I can just get a book to read about history and learn much more from it than taking the course. Ha, now I'm having 3 spares in one day.

I admit that I'm a bit screwed this year though. I haven't had the time to take a break; yet I take too many breaks every single day. I sometimes get hit by the suddden fear of not getting into a desired university; it's freaky. I'm not the kind of person who plans the plan, and I don't want to be. But now, I have to.

My right hand has been hurting incredibly much lately; I hope it won't develope into some sort of handicap.

few things

2004-11-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

1. My page is up: http://www.iamsof.tk or http://home.graffiti.net/sof13

2. Found this website of this Shanghai-nese photographer http://www.maleonn.com/. Catchy, striking, semi-degrading, impetuous, eccentric.

3. Fantastic Chinese blogger http://www.blogcn.com/User3/taozhiyaoyao/index.html

4. I repeatedly realize I'm losing the ability to express myself with language, especially with words; both in Chinese and English. The only hopeful is music.

5. Got hit by a kind of virus. (sorry, the subject is 'I')

2004-11-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

I've decided to brace myself up and take some responsibilities; I've been lost for so long.

After 4h of work on Saturday, I went shopping and bought new boots, a black skirt and a cozy sweater. I decided to gain some satisfaction through shopping, and possessing new clothes is one of the best ways to have a new start (it's just me...). It feels good.

Watched a very touching Chinese movie on Saturday night; I was tearful during the whole movie. Perhaps it was the setting that brought back so many momories, suddenly everything just came back to me... Grandfather's warm smile; cousin's little bald head; the inky dark bathroom and the gleaming greenness of the hospital... Some aren't pleasing, but can never be forgotten.

2004-11-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

aha!

2004-11-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

shaken iced coffee and shaken iced tea... which are sour

2004-11-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday Ken =)

You know that I'm not the only one who's old. hehe.

I'm about to explode

2004-10-29T19:19:00.000-05:00

I hate

- people who do not look at my eyes when talking to me
- people lecure me on something I've told them
- suck-ups
- people who interrupt my conversation with another individual without saying sorry
- people who interrupt others when they are talking without saying sorry
- this person X
- people bitching around
- politics in the music world
- guys who like a girl just because she has a hot body or a beautiful face and don't care about her inner disposition and personality

If I were to rate them on a scale 1 to 10, 1 being the least hateful 10 being the most, they are all equally 10.

2004-10-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

Oh god.. don't ask me about my week... it's been as screwed as it could ever be.

I hate myself. And the majority of other persons and non-persons.

walk and think

2004-10-27T21:45:00.000-05:00

I practically spent 2 hours walking in downtown this morning.

Woke up at seven, hastily ate some stuff and squeezed myself along with other workaholics in the bus/subway. I went to Kensington market first, but most of the stores were still closed, sadly. I idly walked and walked, breathed the fishy-smelling air with the caressing drizzle. I happened to see this interesting Indian style skirt (sorry I don't know the name of it...) that I really wanted to buy; but then as I tried it on, I realized that the waist part is too tight - let's just say I'm too fat for it - but I really liked it. Since I had nowhere else to go, I decided to take a walk on Yonge. Walking in a place like downtown is enjoyable; I love it when people are passing by swiftly minding their own business and I'm just staring and this world with wonder - I don't belong to the crowd, I don't belong to this world. Subway is another favourite of mine; people glance at each other (except for the ones who read or pretend to fall asleep - they can't risk missing the stop) and have little biased thoughts about other people's appreance. It's a good place for me to think about my life, music, philosophy and some random crap from school and home. Isn't it weird that complete strangers gather nonchalantly and coincidentally, ride together for part of their lives and then depart without smiling or saying a word to each other? Then going off carrying their own little secrets that no one will ever know after they die.

Anyway. I went to Elliot's and got Sophie's World for $5.89 (somehow I remember the price very clearly). I just had to own the book. Most interesting stores weren't open as well... I'd advise you to not to go downtown aiming for shopping before 12. I dicovered a Tibet store but they didn't have many jewelleries which disappointed me. Then I walked up to Bloor and Yonge, jumped on the train and by the time I got to school it was 12:29. But yay, I made it, I was on time for the first time in 2 weeks!

...

Just watched American's Next Top Model; gee, Anne is the bitchest. Too bad she didn't get eliminated this round, but I'm sure she's not going anywhere with modelling. Amanda is my girl, I love her to death. I can bet $1.99 that she'll win. (considering the fact that I'm nearly pennyless, this number is huge for me)

Jazz band tomorrow at 10:15... sleep well everyone. (or, if you are reading it the next day, "slept well everyone?")

p.s. I typed this for the 2nd time... stupid blogger didn't work and I lost the entire entry which I have elaborated so much on... screw myself for making the same mistake for the.. Nth time?

talking Saturday

2004-10-24T00:22:00.000-05:00

Four projects plus 2 tests next week... aha, it's time to get busy.

Today went to work, and I was talking to this little Ryker guy who's tiny, cute and 6. So he told me that in his school (he just started gr.1), there's this girl who likes him. "Do you like her, too?" "... yes I do...(shyly)" "aww... I bet she's pretty." "...she has golden hair and a pony tail! (excitedly)" I love moments like this, kids are so cute sometimes.

Another 'student' of mine who's also in gr.12, a girl, spent a whole hour talking with me. She's Bengali, great sense of fashion and has very beautiful eyes. We talked about her religion stuff, and some super creepy incidents relating to spirits and ghosts which seriously freaked me out. She said when she was about 10, once when she was 'sleeping' in her room, alone, around 4 or 5 in the morning, her dad came back home from work and she was wide awake then. She had a dresser with a mirror; and when she stared at herself in the mirror, she saw this red-faced being scowling back at her. She got scared and tried to scream, but no sound came out; it was as if she was being suffocated. She dropped something on the floor and made a thumping sound which woke up her mother and she rushed into her room and that 'thing' in the mirror was gone. She said that everyone in her family had experiences like this, which is horribly creepy.

Checked out the latest clothes in STC, nothing good, nothing new.

2004-10-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

a corner of Starbucks where the news was informed.

2004-10-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

a precious smile. =)

beauty and girls

2004-10-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

Any one watches America's Next Top Model?

These two are my favourite girls from America's Next Top Model. Gorgeous, cute, and Klassy (yes, with a capital K!). Who can tell Amanda (the 2nd one) is a mom? She's got a perfect body and stunning eyes. Ah, beauty...

Randomly read these on a person's blog...

Taiwanese girls are cool!
Taiwnaese girls are more cute.
Taiwanese girls are nicer.
Taiwanese girls look a lot better.
Taiwanese girls dress better.
Taiwanese girls sound better.
Taiwanese girls are more talented.
Taiwanese girls have better manners.
More Taiwanese girls wear glasses.
More Taiwanese girls play piano.
More Taiwanese girls cook and cook better.
Less Taiwanese girls wear makeups.
Less Taiwanese girls smoke.
Less Taiwanese girls swear.
Taiwanese girls' mandarin speaking sound very nice.
(More to come...)

No comment...

2004-10-18T18:03:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the beautiful Yo-Yo Ma tango CD, one of my friends send me this link which totally grossed the hell out of me - just after looking at the 1st picture... I didn't dare to scroll it down.

Please prepare yourself to see one of the most inhumane things ever happened... if you can't stand nasty pictures, don't open the link. If you faint, don't blame me for not warning you.

hang on the box

2004-10-18T17:27:00.000-05:00

Found a Beijing underground girl's punk band, called 'hang on the box'.

Their songs are lacking some content, blindly pursuing the punk culture. Not to mention a little outta tune as well. But I'm okay with them, they are Beijing gals just like me. =)

Oct. 16th

2004-10-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to the George Weston Recital Hall for Fou Ts'ong concert with Clark; thank goodness he got there 5min right before the concert started, just saw him running in a suit and a tie, all drenched in sweat. Anyhow, the concert was certainly worth clapping my hands to the point which they were tingling with pain. Fou Ts'ong looked like a shrimp with the crooked back; he was extremely thin, wearing what seemed like a fading dark cyan Chinese parallel-buttoned jacket and a pair of glove-ish thing on his hands, only revealing 10 fingers. He played 2 Haydn sonatas, 1 (relique) Schubert sonata - which sounded pretty cute; I've never listened to Schubert's piano sonata before - a Chinese suite, 3 Chopin mazurkas and a Chopin sonata (I know, a lot of sonatas). After the worthwhile hand-aching ovation, he encored a Chopin prelude. Apparently his technique wasn't as good - but I mean, being a 70 year old, having the courage of performing in the public is already very rare; and he practises EIGHT hours a day for his recitals - however his sound was among the best I've ever heard, especially Marche funebre... I closed my eyes while he was playing that piece, I felt I was in heaven. Can't describe with words, can only be experienced.

Wonderful concert it was.

This morning got up early again, worked for 2 hours and then went on the subway with Ross and Parthi, got off at St.George then met up with Ivan, Valerie and Matthew C. 'on the steps' of the Royal Conservatory. Yes, we were touring around University of Toronto with our tour guide Matthew. Stopped here and there, Matthew helpfully introduced the important places and little jokes of UT; took many pictures, lastly went to the Edward Johnson Building to check out practice room but unfortunately it was passed the opening hours and we couldn't get in... it was cold and chilly, but I loved it. I can't wait to get out of Woburn; I've got no life here. (for pictures, click HERE)

My former blog server (http://www.mblog.com/) can no longer provide free service which means if I don't pay, my account will be deleted with 6 months worth of blogging... ='( This is such a catastrophe. I hope blogger won't do the same.

Very busy weekend, and competiton next Tuesday... my hands were having a little cramp, they are super unstable... I have no idea how to survive the competition. Mom got me a new performance dress, it's all pinkish. Very bright. I lost the pair of performance shoes which I bought in July... have to get a new pair; a pair without any heels.

I've been listening to Lang Lang's Rach 3 and Yundi Li's recording (thanks to Ken), they are great. Lang Lang's version of Rach 3 is the fastest and clearest, especially during that cool octave passage. I realized that other than rolling eyes, licking lips is another habit of Yundi's when he plays; although I'm not sure if he still does it. Fantastic recordings.

I can't wait for La Valse.

2004-10-14T00:18:00.000-05:00

My neck is aching very badly, it all started 2 nights ago... I woke up the next morning feeling a little uneasy with my neck, felt something weird around my neck... I grabbed the thing and it was my little pink teddy bear from Eastman which had been staying under my neck for the whole night. Ouch.. can't move very fast.

My apartment is burning. Literally, burning. It's about 35 degrees if not higher, the floor is so warm. I had my window open and slept with no blanket on - and it felt hotter than summer.

My hands hurt from practising... unscientifically I supose. I hope I'll survive through the competition next week. My mind is somewhere else, in a place called Nowhere....

Recipe For Happiness Khaborovsk Or Anyplace

One grand boulevard with trees

with one grand cafe in sun

with strong black coffee in very small cups.

One not necessarily very beautiful

man or woman who loves you.

One fine day.

-Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Just a poem a very dear friend of mine has found me. I love it.

Love it.

from Vienna

2004-10-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

As I signed into QQ (this Chinese icq-ish messenger), I was informed that I was added by somebody and that person happened to be online. He asked me to guess who he was which I seriously had no clue. Shockingly he (Ran) turned out to be one of my long-lost friends who had been my classmate in China for 2 years and is currently studying in Vienna.

I left Beijing 4 years ago and revisitied the second summer. While I was in Beijing, I spent a lot of time with my friends including Ran and he told me he was going to Vienna to study bassoon - he has been a professional bassoon player for very long. Somehow we lost touch for more than 2 years and now, he told me that he stopped playing bassoon and is on for bussiness... I feel sorry for him; he isn't happy with what he's doing but he has no choice. He's father suggested him to work for his uncle who is the president of the Asia representative group of some huge New York commerce company; for god's sake, he's only 18 (in fact, tomorrow is his 18th birthday.... ). Screw the Chinese parental manipulation. He has to work to keep himself alive; all his earnings belong to himself and his earnings only is the money to support himself.

It's like pouring freezing water right on my face; I'm shivering with a sense of the alleged reality that I'll be facing when I ... grow up (yes, I'm rather immature..). The world will belong to us, but not this soon...

treasure hunt

2004-10-10T12:11:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning my room this morning, and out of interest, I looked through my small collection of CDs and amazingly I realized that I own several great recordings that I had no idea I own. Recordings such as Chopin's piano concerto No.1 AND No.2 by Gina Bachauer and Rach 3 by Horowitz startled me. I also found out that I have three copies of Yundi Li Chopin collection... one with a little video; and a VCD of Schiff's Goldburg varioation... most of these recordings were bought by my parents when they were in university back in China. They are even older than me; but they still sound good.

Muahaha, I'm rich. =P

2004-10-08T22:45:00.000-05:00

I've been staring at my computer and practically doing nothing for a few hours. This is ridiculous. I want to do something, but I don't have the heart to do it. Just started to waste my life again... it goes in a circle, I'm trapped.

The wind is a little chilly, today is probably the last day with a bit summerness. I love winter, I love snow, but until then, there's a long way to go - a long and boring way. I am so... dead. So dead.

I'll have to get up early in the morning and get my arse to STC to work... then piano lesson in the afternoon - by then I'll be all numb. Sunday is free, but I need to practise... I am planning to go to the Toronto Reference library sometime next week during spare, I need to listen to some CDs... and most importantly, get a sip of hot chocolate from Starbucks.

Smart is a feeling, and I haven't felt smart since the beginning of the school year... I've been so numb and blank and emotionless, I'm sorry Chopin... something's gotta give.

AH! I cry out loud. I don't want to die. Not yet.

gorgeous?

2004-10-08T14:56:00.000-05:00

Gorgeous, I would say so. But what if I tell you 'she' is a man?

In fact, 'she' really IS a man. He is Thai, and this kind of person is called 'shemale' or 'ladyboy' in Thailand - they are Thailand's unique possession. They could be considered as eunuch I suppose, just men without men's feature... If you visit Thailand and meet them, they might grab your hands and put them on their bust - of course, you'll have to pay.

slept

2004-10-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

I fell asleep during calculus today.

I couldn't help but to fall asleep; it was as if I was bewitched. I hadn't felt that fatigued for so long, I can't remember the last time I felt like this. Mr.Heritage was teaching and putting stuff on the blackboard, I could only close my eyes when he turned around facing the board, and just for the few seconds when I closed my eyes, I was asleep. When he turned back, I opened my eyes with a brutal realization of 'reality', and when he was putting notes on the board I continued my sleep. I tried my best to stay awake, but I couldn't. I wasn't myself, I was simply drowning in a mesmerizing whirl of comfort and absolute unrestraint. After consciously knowing he's finished with the lesson, I told the person beside me to wake me up if I would still be sleeping when the class ended and with that ensured, I let myself rest completely.

The moment I woke up was five minutes before class ended, at that moment, I didn't know where I was. After a few seconds I realized that I was in my calculus class and everyone else around me were reading quitely - it was STAR time. So, I slept for 30 minutes and by 'sleep' I mean the kind of sleep which you are not conscious of what is happening around you besides your dream - if you have one. I didn't have a dream, everything was black when I was sleeping. But man, it felt so amazingly good.

I went to my philosophy class after that, I tried to force myself to go back to sleep, but I couldn't succeed. I guess that was it.

him

2004-10-05T16:13:00.000-05:00

His presence is ambigous and tasteful
Sweet and densely touching

He is perfect in my eyes
But I know he is not
I enjoy the space bewteen us
I see through the space
everything is clear and perfect

I love him.
Deeply.

This love is simple and pure
It would not differ if he were 'she' or 'it'

Sometimes I have the impulse to embrace him
but I know the moment we get close
everything beautiful will be gone
in a wisp of smoke
Only I will be left alone
hurt.

He does not need to speak
nor to do anything
His sole presence
is already more than enough.

The air is different when he is there
everything changes, to
beautiful

I will keep a distance
it is the distance that makes him perfect
I want him to be perfect
I hold onto the perfection tightly
I will never let go.

around me

2004-10-05T00:41:00.000-05:00

As I was grabbing the calc test from Mr.Heritage's hand, I realized that I forgot to bring my calculator. So I ran into the hallway hoping to see someone, and there she was, Steph L. saved my life.

I went to the ROM today, yes, for the HK movie festival thing; they had a Steinway baby grand which was very old, but looks pretty new and is in superb condition. I loved that piano and of course I enjoyed myself in that 45 minutes and got paid - really, it's a great job. They gave me 2 tickets to see Andy Lau's new movie, so I met up with Clark and saw it together. Man, it was freaky; but I liked the content, it's probably the most meaningful HK movie I've ever seen (not that HK movies aren't good, it's just that they are famous for comedies and actions...). We went for dinner afterwards and by the time we filled ourselves, it was around10.

I was reading a book on the subway home while a black guy and a white guy argued somewhere behind me with all those 'fuck','bitch' words. The person who sat beside me turned around to look at them as everyone else did, but I was too lazy to do that. They got off the next station, and suddenly one of them slapped the other and a fight broke out. Everyone stook up and a lady pushed down the yellow alarm thingy and I think the cops came soon after that.

I was too tired. I fell asleep. Sometimes when I think about these things, I can't help but feel a little solitude.

I could've died

2004-10-04T07:28:00.000-05:00

This is Monday morning; while you guys are getting ready/on the way to school, I'm staying at home with my bad stomachache. I'm not going to school for the 1st two periods, but I'll have to go there for my math test in the afternoon.

So I got up in the morning, took a shower in pain, and suddenly the fire alarm sounded. Following that was the hastely footsteps in the hallway and little kids were yelling and screaming. I was in such pain I didn't even want to move, didn't even bother; plus I didn't smell anything weird so I decided to stay inside. The alarm was very annoying, it continued about 5 minutes then I heard the siren distantly. Few seconds after, the firefighters were here, and as I looked out through the window, I saw nearly all the residents in my apartment standing outside looking upwards to which I assume is the 5th floor - the one that I live on. I didn't bother to see what was going on, but I did see a few firefighters putting on their suits and walking into the main lobby leisurely. Then I sat down wanted to check my email and soon the fire alarm stopped sounding. Looking out again, there're five fire trucks and a few police cars; only a few people left standing.

Maybe I could've died. Who knows.

Algonquin

2004-10-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

My family and our family friends drove to Algonquin today, we had to get up at 5 to make sure we come back early. Great scenery, took tons of pictures (check out more HERE), and had lots of fun.

I meant to write more, but the math stuff is waiting for me to review because of the test tomorrow and I have to go to ROM at 6 for a HK Movie Festival thing... they asked me to play the background music for the reception and generously provided me a fairly decent payment and 2 tickets to see the newest movie by Andy Lau - not that I really understand Cantonese... But, I haven't really practised the pieces, and I'm hoping to wing it well... I mean, they'll be eating and chatting, who'd care for a few wrong notes?

I finished reading "Can You Keep A Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella on the car, that was quite a read. I love her stories, rediculously familar to our daily lives yet there's always a twist. I'm still waiting for the 2nd and newest book of Shopaholic.

2004-10-03T20:19:00.000-05:00

taken in a store... I know I'm not supposed to=P

2004-10-03T20:18:00.000-05:00

one of my favourite

2004-10-01T20:58:00.000-05:00

inked...

coooop

2004-10-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

I might drop co-op, 80% chance. I had my interview in downtown 2 days ago, it went pretty well. The placement they found me is to work for the Mendelssohn Youth Choir in the Roy Thompson Hall; I loved it there, not to say it's the best concert hall in Toronto. Afterwards I met up with Clark at a nearby Starbucks; he got off at St.Andrews station walked the exact opposite direction and got there 30min late. Ha, I thought I was the only one with the screwed sense of direction. =P I ordered my usual hot chocolate and then we went to Eaton Centre to buy the book for my English ISU. I love buying books, it feels so wonderful owning a book; despite the fact that I hardly ever read them. (by the way, the 4th Shopaholic book is out! it's called The shopaholic and Sister or something...)

Mrs.Plumb told me that I have to work for 3h/day at my placement which I cannot possibly fulfill due to the travel time and the after-school rehearsals. They wanted to find another placement for me nearby, but I'd rather drop it if I don't work in downtown. If I do drop it, I'll have 2 spares (how wonderful!) and I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want. I might as well end up doing some volunteer works for the choir every other week or something; they seem pretty flexible about the work time. Since universities don't look at your co-op credits when you apply, there's basically no point of taking it other than gaining experience. Besides that, we get to do tons of paper work in class such as learning the laws regarding worker's safety issue, human rights and such.... which is extremely boring. My co-op folder is the thickest among all other folders so far; jammed with all sorts of junk. I wanna drop it!

So I felt a little dizzy during the last period today and I used this as my excuse to sign out. I went to the library borrowed a classical CD - have I mentioned that my goal for this year is to listen through all the classical CDs in our library? - and there was a gr.9 class doing some scavenger-hunt project, all those gr.9 kids were running around I almost saw myself doing the same thing 4 years ago... wow, it's been four years.

What a lovely Friday afternoon it is. It's been sunny for a week, which means the bad weather will arrive soon.

whining

2004-09-30T22:10:00.000-05:00

Whining helps me to ease the pain a little, and it provides some release emotionally and physically... well, it's just me.

I'm so glad I finally found the uninstallation software to remove mysearchnow and hotbar tool bar for IE. Man they were so annoying.

Tomorrow is China's National Day. Happy 55th birthday China! Chinese people get a 7-day holiday for this, although I bet my friends who are in gr.12 only have a day off... they are in the official 'tension state' towards the final exam which will take place in May/June and that is THE most important thing in a student's life. You can't imagine what kind of hell they are living through with all that parental pressure and the enormous invisible stress. But I'm sure they will survive, at least I hope they will.

One thing that has been bothering me lately is: why do the Western people think putting people down is so cool? I've encountered several cases that a person uses cold language to make fun of other people in order to gain peers' acceptence and trust. What the heck? I've never experienced such thing in China and nearly all of my brown friends who just immigrated to Canada told me that back in their home countries everyone were friends, no such thing would ever happen. If you watch Amerian Top Model or The Bachelor or any reality TV, you could see how the competitors backstab each other, I don't see any point besides making themselves look immature and utterly unloving. Thus I despise and abhor the Western society for this.

2004-09-30T22:02:00.000-05:00

the summer sky.. oh how I miss you...

moved again...

2004-09-30T19:40:00.000-05:00

I had a blogger/blogspot account zillion years ago, but when I was going to use it, I forgot the right password for the right username.... screw me. Thus, I signed up for another account and here I am.

The reason that abandoned the lovely mblog is because of the SPAM! I have 900 something comments but I bet 70% is the ads. And those things are nasty... nasty indeed.

Just one concern for blogspot though, I hope my friends in China can view it because I heard that some of them can't....