Let me make it clear.

My blog is currently moved to: http://iamsof.diaryland.com
I combined both my Chinese blog and English blog here, as well as the host for photo gallery. It is easier for me to manage I hope.
I don't know if I'll use it permanently since I have an addiciton of moving my blogs around; but for now, that is where my blog resides. Change link URL if you will, this entry will stay here in case people can't find my new blog URL.

Thanks.

note to self

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Ever dreamed out in the world
There were arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone.

Grad photo is taken.

Guys all looked horrifically handsome in their suits, it made me wanna hug them. Hehe.

This Saturday is Scarborough Town Centre's sidewalk sale day. Go there if you wanna buy clothes for a really cheap price - but they probably don't have all the sizes or good quality products, since it's like the clearance of what they have in store so they can put out their spring product.

I wanna buy a pair of high heels, although I seriously have no idea how to walk in those. And a nice long sleeve top for performance use.

I suppose my blog isn't really back to its full function yet, but I'll just let it linger on for now.

"All I Ask of You"

[Male voice] (Raoul)
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I’m here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm you and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I’m here, with you and beside you
To guard you and to guide you

[Female voice] (Christine)
Say you love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

[Raoul]
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You’re safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

[Christine]
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

[Raoul]
Then say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

[Christine]
Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

[Both]
Share each day with me, each night, each morning

[Christine]
Say you love me

[Raoul]
You know I do

[Both]
Love me, that's all I ask of you
…
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

This song speaks my heart. The Phantom of the Opera movie was beyond fantastic; I'm gonna buy the soundtrack CD and the DVD of this movie.

Love is so beautiful.

I have the urge of abandoning this blog.

It is a question I constantly ask myself: what is the purpose of having a blog? Apparently, writing entries on a blog is not only a way to express yourself and your thoughts, but it is a way to communicate to others. When you decide what to include in an entry, you are consciously aware you are writing it for other people to see. In this sense, nothing can be completely genuine and truthful. As long as you are doing something involving other people, you cannot be truthful to yourself. I feel it's against my will to write something to 'show off', or to write something in concern of how others think (and perhaps to worry about whether this entry will get people to comment); I'd like to write exactly how I feel about certain things.

This, however, relate to other aspects of the concern which I despise. Even when I am writing this particular entry, I am carefully choosing words so that no one will interpret it the wrong way. It is something I hate to do because I think it's superficial and unnatural. Under the influence of a very intimate family member, I realized that I've grown more and more secretive; I hide many things, even things that are trifling. At this instant, I amazed myself considering I'm actually writing an entry (or, telling every reader) about this part of me that I wouldn't normally tell anyone. I wasn't like this. I was open and straight. I think these natural personalities still emerge sometimes, but I've learned to keep things to myself.

Eastern philosophies teach you: more is less; less is more (and other similar profound theories). Derived from this, it is quite consented that the more you say(show off) about how much you know, the less you actually do. In contrary, the less you say, the more you know(of course, exceptions exist everywhere, but it's the minority thus will be ignored in this case). In this sense, I am quite ingorant considering how much I say on my blog. According to this theory, in order to gain true knowledge I should say less and learn more - and that is precisely why I think I should abandon my blog.

The opposing argument I have toward this thought is that the blog can still exist if I only write about personal matters - however as stated above, I have problems doing so. What's the point of letting random readers know about you? So that you can make more friends? If a person is destined to meet you and become a close friend to you, wouldn't that person get to know you in real life eventually? (I believe in pre-determination, destiny and such..) But then, if a person is destined to get to know you, he/she will do so no matter through blog or real life - thus it doesn't matter if you have a blog or not.

Logic doesn't seem to work for me. I need to have some time to listen to my heart.

But my heart seems feeble and rattled.

It seems dead.

I hate to waste my time on admiring others. I returned to the blank primitive stage.

back from vanishing

So, I had a few days of decent vanishing, and now I am back alive but not very well. I don't remember since exactly when I started to feel so fatigued, it's like all the weariness has been accumulating in my body, I feel like I can pass out any second. I literally need to stop doing what I'm doing and consciously breathe properly, otherwise I feel suffocated; or I just walk around all day feeling air-headed. If I somehow collapse on you, don't be surprised; and if you see me about to fall, give me hug to make sure I don't, will ya? =) Oh what a thing is my feeble heart...

Despite my fragile condition, I haven't managed to stop myself from laughing my head off every time I look at my dad. Apparently, I bought a little kilt-like skirt and wore it with a pair of pants underneath with my boots the other day, and he was so not used to it and he was making fun of me and such 'trend' of wearing stuff you don't normally wear outside; so what he's doing right now is some action-protest, which involves himself walking around in the room with his white shorts and a pair of blue sweatpants-ish pants underneath. Haha.. my dad can be so crazily funny sometimes. (but seriously, I have seen people walking on the street with shorts outside of pants, and if you can manage well, it actually doesn't look that hilarious.)

Finally I decided the date for The Phantom. It's gonna be this Saturday afternoon, and hopefully the plan won't change...

I sent in the UT questionnaire today, feeling so accomplished - the reason? Well, aside from filling out a 6-page questionnaire and writing an essay, I was also asked to do this financial assessment form. What's dumb is that they asked me to estimate my monthly expense during the 8 months of university: tuition fees, books, housing... understandable; but for clothing? I can spend $0 in a month and $1000 another if I have the money... anyhow. Now I just need to wait to be informed about the audition date... crossing my fingers it won't be anytime before late March.

Now some space for my recent fondness.


Jamie Cullum, a jazz singer/piano player/songwriter who's so darn talented (he's style is also a little rock/punk-ish). He's the kinda guy who uses his butt/feet on the keyboard, and go totally wild with a grand piano. He's also singing the theme song for the new Bridget Jones movie. Check out his stuff here.


Yup, Madeline. I used to watch Madeline on TV in China when I was little, and just a few days ago I saw it on TVO... suddenly all the childhood memory just oozed out on me, felt so enchanted again, just like when I was a little kid. I like Madeline, she's so adorable and sympathetic. :)


Lang Lang's new CD. He's gonna be performing the "Paganini" Rach piece on March. 16th, I gotta order the tickets asap. I saw a documentary about him on TV the other day, all I can say is... *sigh*, a typical Chinese family with ordinary parents who trained their child to be so extraordinary.

want to vanish.

I got posted by Tiff, so here it is:

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1/ Sophie
2/ Sof/Soph
3/ Xuefei (don't even try to pronounce it... I'm sure it'd sound funny...)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: (uh.. okay, here goes my last three)
1/ *Rach rocks.
2/ *"Ima good bunny; I'm your huggie."
3/ *it's sick.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1/ twists bad things into a positive perspective
2/ unique and lonely
3/ very emotional

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1/ too lazy
2/ actions done faster than brain thinks
3/ too emotional

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1/ Chinese (Han)
2/ Beijingnese
3/ uh...Handianese.... ?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1/ dogs!!!
2/ no source of music around
3/ no source of internet around

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1/ piano practice
2/ music
3/ internet

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1/ black tee
2/ shorts from La Senza
3/ glasses

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment): artists in my case
1/ F.Chopin
2/ Rachmaninoff
3/ Ravel

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: (although they are not songs...)
1/ Schindler's List - Itzhak Perlman
2/ violin concerto in D - Tchaikovsky
3/ La Valse - Ravel

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1/ live on my own
2/ straighten my hair ...?
3/ play in a quartet/chamber group

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1/ love intensely and passionately
2/ honesty and openness
3/ that's about it... maybe being hugged all the time..? =P

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU: (for guys, don't really have any... physical things aren't as important as inner qualities)
1/ white girls with black hair
2/ guys who don't stand with a crooked back
3/ Asian people without blond hair

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1/ be with dogs... (ahh! *runs* I dunno, maybe someday I'll manage...)
2/ crack my fingers
3/ watch people mistreating their hands

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1/ anything relate to music
2/ shopping
3/ reading/drawing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1/ sleep
2/ own a (good) grand piano
3/ tie my hair back - it's pretty hot in here

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1/ something to do with music
2/ freelancer/(fashion, interior) designer
3/ I dunno, anything liberal is good. (I hate being bossed over)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: (... so many! but I'll just pick 3, randomly)
1/ Egypt
2/ Russia
3/ Vienna

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1/ a Chinese name
2/ Cyanne
3/ Audrey

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1/ travel the world
2/ own my own Steinway
3/ experience the purest and holiest and most passionate love

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DO THIS MEME:
1/ Jeff
2/ Ken
3/ MRC

/EDIT

Disaster

今天教学楼门口摆了一个募捐箱，让我们给印度洋海啸灾区捐钱，我很严肃地说?凭什么呀？?
我不愿为那个野蛮的民族表现出一点点的人道主义，他们不配
我又想起99年，印尼华人在印尼遭受的虐待，多少华人在印尼被打死，然后暴尸街头，多少华人在印尼被强奸，华人的商店被抢劫，以尼政府对这些暴行给予的是默许！
这世界上怎么还有这么不要脸的民族，居然还好意思接受中国的援助！恶心至极！
中国人也真有钱，我们的西部还没开发，我们还有两千万贫困人口没有解决温饱问题，我们还没为自己国家捐钱，为什么要去管别人家的事情？
新闻里有个老太太，含着眼泪说：?我们自己家要是有个亲人离开我们，我们该多难受，更何况这十几万人。?
如此高的觉悟。
我又想到我们国家的福利院，养老院，还有那些拿政府救济金，只有钱吃饭，没有钱看病，受病魔折磨的老人和残疾人，还有的，依旧是那两千万吃不饱肚子的中国人！
我们的觉悟哪去了？面对我们同一种族，流着同一脉血的同胞，我们的觉悟哪去了？
看到那些募捐活动，我越来越觉得可笑，我们是不是把钱财塞到敌人的腰包，为敌人擦干鲜血，等着他们再拿起刺刀？

(It's okay if you can't read Chinese) This is from Zoe's blog where she expressed her scornful attitude towards the Tsunami catastrophe happened in South Asia. Zoe was one of my best friends in China, and is still very close to me, we went to the same middle school together in Beijing - she wrote that in our school there is a box set up for the donations to help the people and the countries affected by the disaster and she thought that it is rather ridiculous because around year 1998 and 1999, Chinese people in Indonesia were outrageously killed, raped, humiliated; their houses were burned, possessions were sabotaged, even the corpse were just left out on the streets. This humiliating enormity out of racial discrimination is never to be forgotten but now, the natural disastrous occurrence happened in Indonesia and there're so many compassionate people in China trying to help and some of them are crying with heart-felt tears saying how sorrowful they are and how bad they feel with the people at the affected areas - while China itself needs donations from its own people considering how many people are in hunger and are homeless...

I so sympathize with her. No intentional biased opinions, but Chinese people are a little too benevolently kind (gentle, warm-hearted, whatever word you wanna use) sometimes; I mean, you never see Chinese troops invading other countries, it's always China who's being invaded (by the Eight Power Allied Force, Japan, etc...) ; Chinese people don't usually discriminate against other races to the point they start killing them, but they are always the ones being targeted (the famous -rather, infamous - holocaust of Nanjing by the Japanese, the Indonesians, etc..); and now when Chinese people themselves are starving to hunger, they are trying to help others. Of course, "benevolent", "kind", are complimentary words, but words like "cowardly","recreant" also imply the same idea. Sometimes Chinese people are just so pathetically cravenhearted - it is understandable that under the Confucius teaching, people are supposed to be nice to each other and try to help as much as they can; but at least we should have our own pride and a clear mind of what self-respect is, as well as whom we should honour and how to honour them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should just let the people who lost their families, their homes, their whole world starve to death; I do express my deep condolences to the individuals who, as mentioned above, are the victims of such unfortunate event. However, they should just stop being such babies and stop sitting on their butts pleading for help. Recall the Tangshan earthquake which was as horrendous as the tsunami that happened in 1976 in China, 242,419 people died alone; and combined the five major affected countries' death statistics, how many people died in the tsunami? Now maybe around 180,000? And who kindly helped the Chinese people? No one. Who cried for the Chinese people other than themselves? No one. Who pleaded for donations internationally? No one. Who supplied clothing, $$, equipments? No one. (due to the isolation advocated by the States and other European countries who held disparate political stance again the Chinese communism, and for their own benefit to not to recognize the new P.R.China) Chinese people stood on themselves, self-dependently survived this natural disaster which appears to be much worse than the tsunami in terms of the death toll. Just because the affected countries are places where major Western tourists go, so it is deemed as "probably the most horrible natural catastrophe that had ever happened to mankind" (I didn't make this up, I've heard people say that) ? What a paradox. To not to confuse you, I am just saying that yes, they deserve the help, but there is a limit - now it just seems like it's everything we all talk about, everything news media reports. It is unfortunate that it happened, and my thoughts are with them (again, the individuals, not the race as a whole); but it did happen and so adapt to it and live it, start working on rebuilding your homes and stop making yourselves sound so hopeless and helpless.

There, you see, I'm mean sometimes. But I dunno, half of the time I'm confused myself - but I suppose having an opinion is better than not having one. I'm pretty sure there're many counter arguments to my points mentioned, and I'm also pretty sure that my opinions are biased. So be it, 'cuz I'm quite sure the counter arguments are biased too, more or less. I just had to let it out, so I can selfishly feel better. =)

Fantabulous. It's snowing!

Last night I went to bed around 8:45-ish and got up at 8:30 (thanks to the cancellation of jazz band rehearsal). Almost a 12-hour sleep! How precious was that when school is undergoing? Profoundly.

I was really really tired last night, and I realized that I've been doing actual works lately. Being tired out is awesome, it makes me feel so productive and so grown-up, hehe.

So I still have to pay for the uni application, and I've decided to apply to UT, OCAD and Western. Where are YOU applying to? .. and for what program(s)?

p.s. If the plural of 'scherzo' is 'scherzi' and the plural of 'concerto' is 'concerti', shouldn't the plural of 'piano' be 'piani'? hee hee...

music is everything

So today, after the appointment, I went to one of my all time favourite places - the reference library on Yonge, and sat there listening to recordings for four consecutive hours. No exaggeration implied, my soul feels refreshed.

Originally I planned to go there and listen to several versions of Chopin Ballade No.3 and check for some wrong notes printed on my score, and ended up with lots of note-taking (rather, music score scribbling and circling). Three versions of the Ballade were played by Krystian Zimmerman, Vladmir Ashkenazy and Ignaz Friedman, and I'll have to say that Zimmerman's version was the best. Zimmerman, being Yundi Li's 'idol', possesses a lot of chopinesque characteristics (partly has to do with the fact that he's Polish), and I was listening to Ballade No.1 in G minor played by him, tears were stealthily slipping their ways out...then came the memory of the Eastman masterclass performance and the 'Zal' written on my score by Dr. Paul Poleii... and most importantly, how melancholy and grieved Chopin must had been when he heard about his home country being invaded by Russia... I've never heard a recording of Ballade in G this soul-stirring.

Friedman is crazy.He altered a lot of music - I think it's safe to say that about every piece he played, he changed some notes and rhythm. He's version of Liszt's La Campanella is quite cuddly, heehee... and also technically impossible.

I also listened to a recording of Ravel's piano concerto composed for left hand. It was fantastic. By looking at the score, one can hardly tell it's written only for left hand; and by listening to it, it's just another piano concerto. Much of this concerto sounded like Bolero, the orchestral rhythm part. But it was quite fun.

Next book on the list: Beethoven by Romain Rolland.
Next piece on the list: Prokofiev's piano sonata. Some, if not all. =P

Music really helps with IQ (and EQ! hehe..). Music includes everything; it is everything.

First day back to school feels awakening. I just printed out all the forms U of T requires and am attempting to fill them out. Auditions will most likely take place in late March or early April, I've got 5 pieces to prepare for that and 2 complete concerti for other performances... in addition, I have a 2cm-thick sketch book to fill out before April and some 3D art project & photography to do. Yay, that can keep me busy for a while.

I still have to go see The Phantom of the Opera and The Polar Express, and possibly The House of Flying Daggers, but my parents are so opposed to the idea of seeing movies during school months... I just hope by March break these movies will still be on, or some good ones will come out.

Tomorrow I'm having an appointment and after that I'm going to the reference library to listen to recordings from 4p.m. to 8p.m.. I miss that place so much. After that, perhaps some me-time at Starbucks? Or go check out books at Elliot's if it'll still be open.

Hmm... I just have too much fun with myself during school days, heehee.

Just click...

Stolen from Robert's lovely blog. =)

written on the first day

The last... in 2004
*thing I ate - chocolate
*person I hugged - ... Tiff, Dali? can't remember.
*person I called - my mom
*movie I watched - Darkness
*person I talked to - Ivan
*website I went to - U of T application page...
*person who called me - Clark

The first... in 2005
*thing I ate - egg roll
*person I hugged - Ivan
*person I called - my mom
*person I talked to - Ivan
*TTC I took - subway, from Queen to King
*I did - videotaping and breathing simultaneously
*website I went to - my blog

Oh last night was great. Darkness was quite freaky, as I expected. Didn't really see anything clearly at NPS for New Year's Bash, except for Shirley and Andrew shot on the big screen answering what their names were, and kissing. It wasn't very cold, but the wind certainly made it chilly. After the countdown when the crowd was walking to the subway stations, it reminded me what it was like in China. A woman was drunk and was dancing at the centre of the street while holding a beer bottle - hey, I thought it was advocated that this whole thing was alcohol-free. It was 1 something a.m. when I got on the RT, and for the first time, I got the whole compartment to myself for the whole ride from Kennedy to McCowan. It was quiet, and a little scary too; but fun. And I also had the chance to take some narcissistic pictures on the train, heehee...

I don't have any huge plans for this year, but it sure seeems like an important year to me: turning 18, getting into uni, going back to China, and also several major piano performances/competitions too. I'll be a good girl and live through this year.

Yay school on Monday, I'm getting bored at home.

p.s. I found the little piece of paper which determined my performance order when I was in the States for the Eastman International Piano Competition. This is The '13' I drew from the bastket.

p.p.s. I heard the host say "Velcome" on the radio, 96.3fm. Haha, he was introducing a German composer and he got carried away.