Okay I almost stayed up all night and right now it's 6:06am. Being told not to sleep when it's almost morning, I went around reading people's blogs (blah-gs, Parthi? =P) and now I just have the impulse to write, so I'm just gonna sit here with my laptop on top of my lap and see how long this entry goes.
This entry's probably gonna be somewhat incoherent, because for most of the time, my thoughts are truncated. It's sad. I remember I had a perfectly smooth way of thinking when I was in China, I thought in Chinese; now, I think in English most of the time. It's interesting when you come to think of it, we hardly ever stop thinking about things in our heads - heads, what strange objects; round, hairy and full of whims. I've always thought that I'm losing the ability to describe things with language, it bothers me a lot. I am stuck between Chinese and English; I still clearly remember the first time I couldn't find the right Chinese word for an expression that I had to use English instead. It was horrifying. I grew more and more distant to Chinese, and yet I'm not close enough to English: I'm a person with no language.
Not just problems with speaking, I also have problems hearing. First I thought it was because my English isn't good enough so whenever people talk to me, I'd have to ask them to repeat it; but then I went back to China to visit, realized that I'd have to do that same with my friends. Sadly came to the conclusion that I have hearing problems. Oh well.
Although when I first came to Canada I did have to ask people to repeat, because I was only a 'pathetic girl who doesn't understand a thing'. My world was lonely. I remember these two white girls making fun of me, I remember this brown girl and her group treating me not-so-nicely to the point that I started crying, I remember one of the first words I learned at school was 'shut up' just so I can tell all those people who were making fun of me to shut their mouth up. I promised myself I wouldn't crawl back to the little corner where I can find temporary peace, I knew I was ignorant, and perhaps still am, but knowing that fact only means to learn more. We are all fragile, but we can be strong.
Many blogs I read today reveal the innermost feelings of the blogger; it is pathetic to think that we'd rather write down what we truely feel than telling people. But seemingly it is the fact. It is so hard to trust a person.
Oh I feel so light-headed right now. A recital on Sunday... Ken, would it be possible if we play through La Valse once before the break?
I love sleeping, but I don't spoil it by sleeping a lot. I've been getting that surreal feeling after I wake up from a beautiful or melancholy dream lately; it's absolutely addictive. Nothing can feel more dreamy than this, although perhaps using drugs. The night is serene, I feel like myself. I shall end here I suppose, another day is ahead of me, us.