I'm about to explode

I hate

- people who do not look at my eyes when talking to me
- people lecure me on something I've told them
- suck-ups
- people who interrupt my conversation with another individual without saying sorry
- people who interrupt others when they are talking without saying sorry
- this person X
- people bitching around
- politics in the music world
- guys who like a girl just because she has a hot body or a beautiful face and don't care about her inner disposition and personality

If I were to rate them on a scale 1 to 10, 1 being the least hateful 10 being the most, they are all equally 10.

Oh god.. don't ask me about my week... it's been as screwed as it could ever be.

I hate myself. And the majority of other persons and non-persons.

walk and think

I practically spent 2 hours walking in downtown this morning.

Woke up at seven, hastily ate some stuff and squeezed myself along with other workaholics in the bus/subway. I went to Kensington market first, but most of the stores were still closed, sadly. I idly walked and walked, breathed the fishy-smelling air with the caressing drizzle. I happened to see this interesting Indian style skirt (sorry I don't know the name of it...) that I really wanted to buy; but then as I tried it on, I realized that the waist part is too tight - let's just say I'm too fat for it - but I really liked it. Since I had nowhere else to go, I decided to take a walk on Yonge. Walking in a place like downtown is enjoyable; I love it when people are passing by swiftly minding their own business and I'm just staring and this world with wonder - I don't belong to the crowd, I don't belong to this world. Subway is another favourite of mine; people glance at each other (except for the ones who read or pretend to fall asleep - they can't risk missing the stop) and have little biased thoughts about other people's appreance. It's a good place for me to think about my life, music, philosophy and some random crap from school and home. Isn't it weird that complete strangers gather nonchalantly and coincidentally, ride together for part of their lives and then depart without smiling or saying a word to each other? Then going off carrying their own little secrets that no one will ever know after they die.

Anyway. I went to Elliot's and got Sophie's World for $5.89 (somehow I remember the price very clearly). I just had to own the book. Most interesting stores weren't open as well... I'd advise you to not to go downtown aiming for shopping before 12. I dicovered a Tibet store but they didn't have many jewelleries which disappointed me. Then I walked up to Bloor and Yonge, jumped on the train and by the time I got to school it was 12:29. But yay, I made it, I was on time for the first time in 2 weeks!

...

Just watched American's Next Top Model; gee, Anne is the bitchest. Too bad she didn't get eliminated this round, but I'm sure she's not going anywhere with modelling. Amanda is my girl, I love her to death. I can bet $1.99 that she'll win. (considering the fact that I'm nearly pennyless, this number is huge for me)

Jazz band tomorrow at 10:15... sleep well everyone. (or, if you are reading it the next day, "slept well everyone?")

p.s. I typed this for the 2nd time... stupid blogger didn't work and I lost the entire entry which I have elaborated so much on... screw myself for making the same mistake for the.. Nth time?

talking Saturday

Four projects plus 2 tests next week... aha, it's time to get busy.

Today went to work, and I was talking to this little Ryker guy who's tiny, cute and 6. So he told me that in his school (he just started gr.1), there's this girl who likes him. "Do you like her, too?" "... yes I do...(shyly)" "aww... I bet she's pretty." "...she has golden hair and a pony tail! (excitedly)" I love moments like this, kids are so cute sometimes.

Another 'student' of mine who's also in gr.12, a girl, spent a whole hour talking with me. She's Bengali, great sense of fashion and has very beautiful eyes. We talked about her religion stuff, and some super creepy incidents relating to spirits and ghosts which seriously freaked me out. She said when she was about 10, once when she was 'sleeping' in her room, alone, around 4 or 5 in the morning, her dad came back home from work and she was wide awake then. She had a dresser with a mirror; and when she stared at herself in the mirror, she saw this red-faced being scowling back at her. She got scared and tried to scream, but no sound came out; it was as if she was being suffocated. She dropped something on the floor and made a thumping sound which woke up her mother and she rushed into her room and that 'thing' in the mirror was gone. She said that everyone in her family had experiences like this, which is horribly creepy.

Checked out the latest clothes in STC, nothing good, nothing new.

a corner of Starbucks where the news was informed. 

a precious smile. =) 

beauty and girls

Any one watches America's Next Top Model?




These two are my favourite girls from America's Next Top Model. Gorgeous, cute, and Klassy (yes, with a capital K!). Who can tell Amanda (the 2nd one) is a mom? She's got a perfect body and stunning eyes. Ah, beauty...

Randomly read these on a person's blog...

Taiwanese girls are cool!
Taiwnaese girls are more cute.
Taiwanese girls are nicer.
Taiwanese girls look a lot better.
Taiwanese girls dress better.
Taiwanese girls sound better.
Taiwanese girls are more talented.
Taiwanese girls have better manners.
More Taiwanese girls wear glasses.
More Taiwanese girls play piano.
More Taiwanese girls cook and cook better.
Less Taiwanese girls wear makeups.
Less Taiwanese girls smoke.
Less Taiwanese girls swear.
Taiwanese girls' mandarin speaking sound very nice.
(More to come...)

No comment...

I was listening to the beautiful Yo-Yo Ma tango CD, one of my friends send me this link which totally grossed the hell out of me - just after looking at the 1st picture... I didn't dare to scroll it down.

Please prepare yourself to see one of the most inhumane things ever happened... if you can't stand nasty pictures, don't open the link. If you faint, don't blame me for not warning you.

hang on the box

Found a Beijing underground girl's punk band, called 'hang on the box'.



Their songs are lacking some content, blindly pursuing the punk culture. Not to mention a little outta tune as well. But I'm okay with them, they are Beijing gals just like me. =)

Oct. 16th

Last night I went to the George Weston Recital Hall for Fou Ts'ong concert with Clark; thank goodness he got there 5min right before the concert started, just saw him running in a suit and a tie, all drenched in sweat. Anyhow, the concert was certainly worth clapping my hands to the point which they were tingling with pain. Fou Ts'ong looked like a shrimp with the crooked back; he was extremely thin, wearing what seemed like a fading dark cyan Chinese parallel-buttoned jacket and a pair of glove-ish thing on his hands, only revealing 10 fingers. He played 2 Haydn sonatas, 1 (relique) Schubert sonata - which sounded pretty cute; I've never listened to Schubert's piano sonata before - a Chinese suite, 3 Chopin mazurkas and a Chopin sonata (I know, a lot of sonatas). After the worthwhile hand-aching ovation, he encored a Chopin prelude. Apparently his technique wasn't as good - but I mean, being a 70 year old, having the courage of performing in the public is already very rare; and he practises EIGHT hours a day for his recitals - however his sound was among the best I've ever heard, especially Marche funebre... I closed my eyes while he was playing that piece, I felt I was in heaven. Can't describe with words, can only be experienced.

Wonderful concert it was.

This morning got up early again, worked for 2 hours and then went on the subway with Ross and Parthi, got off at St.George then met up with Ivan, Valerie and Matthew C. 'on the steps' of the Royal Conservatory. Yes, we were touring around University of Toronto with our tour guide Matthew. Stopped here and there, Matthew helpfully introduced the important places and little jokes of UT; took many pictures, lastly went to the Edward Johnson Building to check out practice room but unfortunately it was passed the opening hours and we couldn't get in... it was cold and chilly, but I loved it. I can't wait to get out of Woburn; I've got no life here. (for pictures, click HERE)

My former blog server (http://www.mblog.com/) can no longer provide free service which means if I don't pay, my account will be deleted with 6 months worth of blogging... ='( This is such a catastrophe. I hope blogger won't do the same.

Very busy weekend, and competiton next Tuesday... my hands were having a little cramp, they are super unstable... I have no idea how to survive the competition. Mom got me a new performance dress, it's all pinkish. Very bright. I lost the pair of performance shoes which I bought in July... have to get a new pair; a pair without any heels.

I've been listening to Lang Lang's Rach 3 and Yundi Li's recording (thanks to Ken), they are great. Lang Lang's version of Rach 3 is the fastest and clearest, especially during that cool octave passage. I realized that other than rolling eyes, licking lips is another habit of Yundi's when he plays; although I'm not sure if he still does it. Fantastic recordings.

I can't wait for La Valse.

My neck is aching very badly, it all started 2 nights ago... I woke up the next morning feeling a little uneasy with my neck, felt something weird around my neck... I grabbed the thing and it was my little pink teddy bear from Eastman which had been staying under my neck for the whole night. Ouch.. can't move very fast.

My apartment is burning. Literally, burning. It's about 35 degrees if not higher, the floor is so warm. I had my window open and slept with no blanket on - and it felt hotter than summer.

My hands hurt from practising... unscientifically I supose. I hope I'll survive through the competition next week. My mind is somewhere else, in a place called Nowhere....

Recipe For Happiness Khaborovsk Or Anyplace

One grand boulevard with trees

with one grand cafe in sun

with strong black coffee in very small cups.

One not necessarily very beautiful

man or woman who loves you.

One fine day.

-Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Just a poem a very dear friend of mine has found me. I love it.

Love it.

from Vienna

As I signed into QQ (this Chinese icq-ish messenger), I was informed that I was added by somebody and that person happened to be online. He asked me to guess who he was which I seriously had no clue. Shockingly he (Ran) turned out to be one of my long-lost friends who had been my classmate in China for 2 years and is currently studying in Vienna.

I left Beijing 4 years ago and revisitied the second summer. While I was in Beijing, I spent a lot of time with my friends including Ran and he told me he was going to Vienna to study bassoon - he has been a professional bassoon player for very long. Somehow we lost touch for more than 2 years and now, he told me that he stopped playing bassoon and is on for bussiness... I feel sorry for him; he isn't happy with what he's doing but he has no choice. He's father suggested him to work for his uncle who is the president of the Asia representative group of some huge New York commerce company; for god's sake, he's only 18 (in fact, tomorrow is his 18th birthday.... ). Screw the Chinese parental manipulation. He has to work to keep himself alive; all his earnings belong to himself and his earnings only is the money to support himself.

It's like pouring freezing water right on my face; I'm shivering with a sense of the alleged reality that I'll be facing when I ... grow up (yes, I'm rather immature..). The world will belong to us, but not this soon...

treasure hunt

I was cleaning my room this morning, and out of interest, I looked through my small collection of CDs and amazingly I realized that I own several great recordings that I had no idea I own. Recordings such as Chopin's piano concerto No.1 AND No.2 by Gina Bachauer and Rach 3 by Horowitz startled me. I also found out that I have three copies of Yundi Li Chopin collection... one with a little video; and a VCD of Schiff's Goldburg varioation... most of these recordings were bought by my parents when they were in university back in China. They are even older than me; but they still sound good.

Muahaha, I'm rich. =P

I've been staring at my computer and practically doing nothing for a few hours. This is ridiculous. I want to do something, but I don't have the heart to do it. Just started to waste my life again... it goes in a circle, I'm trapped.

The wind is a little chilly, today is probably the last day with a bit summerness. I love winter, I love snow, but until then, there's a long way to go - a long and boring way. I am so... dead. So dead.

I'll have to get up early in the morning and get my arse to STC to work... then piano lesson in the afternoon - by then I'll be all numb. Sunday is free, but I need to practise... I am planning to go to the Toronto Reference library sometime next week during spare, I need to listen to some CDs... and most importantly, get a sip of hot chocolate from Starbucks.

Smart is a feeling, and I haven't felt smart since the beginning of the school year... I've been so numb and blank and emotionless, I'm sorry Chopin... something's gotta give.

AH! I cry out loud. I don't want to die. Not yet.

gorgeous?

Gorgeous, I would say so. But what if I tell you 'she' is a man?

In fact, 'she' really IS a man. He is Thai, and this kind of person is called 'shemale' or 'ladyboy' in Thailand - they are Thailand's unique possession. They could be considered as eunuch I suppose, just men without men's feature... If you visit Thailand and meet them, they might grab your hands and put them on their bust - of course, you'll have to pay.

slept

I fell asleep during calculus today.

I couldn't help but to fall asleep; it was as if I was bewitched. I hadn't felt that fatigued for so long, I can't remember the last time I felt like this. Mr.Heritage was teaching and putting stuff on the blackboard, I could only close my eyes when he turned around facing the board, and just for the few seconds when I closed my eyes, I was asleep. When he turned back, I opened my eyes with a brutal realization of 'reality', and when he was putting notes on the board I continued my sleep. I tried my best to stay awake, but I couldn't. I wasn't myself, I was simply drowning in a mesmerizing whirl of comfort and absolute unrestraint. After consciously knowing he's finished with the lesson, I told the person beside me to wake me up if I would still be sleeping when the class ended and with that ensured, I let myself rest completely.

The moment I woke up was five minutes before class ended, at that moment, I didn't know where I was. After a few seconds I realized that I was in my calculus class and everyone else around me were reading quitely - it was STAR time. So, I slept for 30 minutes and by 'sleep' I mean the kind of sleep which you are not conscious of what is happening around you besides your dream - if you have one. I didn't have a dream, everything was black when I was sleeping. But man, it felt so amazingly good.

I went to my philosophy class after that, I tried to force myself to go back to sleep, but I couldn't succeed. I guess that was it.

him

His presence is ambigous and tasteful
Sweet and densely touching

He is perfect in my eyes
But I know he is not
I enjoy the space bewteen us
I see through the space
everything is clear and perfect

I love him.
Deeply.

This love is simple and pure
It would not differ if he were 'she' or 'it'

Sometimes I have the impulse to embrace him
but I know the moment we get close
everything beautiful will be gone
in a wisp of smoke
Only I will be left alone
hurt.

He does not need to speak
nor to do anything
His sole presence
is already more than enough.

The air is different when he is there
everything changes, to
beautiful

I will keep a distance
it is the distance that makes him perfect
I want him to be perfect
I hold onto the perfection tightly
I will never let go.

around me

As I was grabbing the calc test from Mr.Heritage's hand, I realized that I forgot to bring my calculator. So I ran into the hallway hoping to see someone, and there she was, Steph L. saved my life.

I went to the ROM today, yes, for the HK movie festival thing; they had a Steinway baby grand which was very old, but looks pretty new and is in superb condition. I loved that piano and of course I enjoyed myself in that 45 minutes and got paid - really, it's a great job. They gave me 2 tickets to see Andy Lau's new movie, so I met up with Clark and saw it together. Man, it was freaky; but I liked the content, it's probably the most meaningful HK movie I've ever seen (not that HK movies aren't good, it's just that they are famous for comedies and actions...). We went for dinner afterwards and by the time we filled ourselves, it was around10.

I was reading a book on the subway home while a black guy and a white guy argued somewhere behind me with all those 'fuck','bitch' words. The person who sat beside me turned around to look at them as everyone else did, but I was too lazy to do that. They got off the next station, and suddenly one of them slapped the other and a fight broke out. Everyone stook up and a lady pushed down the yellow alarm thingy and I think the cops came soon after that.

I was too tired. I fell asleep. Sometimes when I think about these things, I can't help but feel a little solitude.

I could've died

This is Monday morning; while you guys are getting ready/on the way to school, I'm staying at home with my bad stomachache. I'm not going to school for the 1st two periods, but I'll have to go there for my math test in the afternoon.

So I got up in the morning, took a shower in pain, and suddenly the fire alarm sounded. Following that was the hastely footsteps in the hallway and little kids were yelling and screaming. I was in such pain I didn't even want to move, didn't even bother; plus I didn't smell anything weird so I decided to stay inside. The alarm was very annoying, it continued about 5 minutes then I heard the siren distantly. Few seconds after, the firefighters were here, and as I looked out through the window, I saw nearly all the residents in my apartment standing outside looking upwards to which I assume is the 5th floor - the one that I live on. I didn't bother to see what was going on, but I did see a few firefighters putting on their suits and walking into the main lobby leisurely. Then I sat down wanted to check my email and soon the fire alarm stopped sounding. Looking out again, there're five fire trucks and a few police cars; only a few people left standing.

Maybe I could've died. Who knows.

Algonquin

My family and our family friends drove to Algonquin today, we had to get up at 5 to make sure we come back early. Great scenery, took tons of pictures (check out more HERE), and had lots of fun.

I meant to write more, but the math stuff is waiting for me to review because of the test tomorrow and I have to go to ROM at 6 for a HK Movie Festival thing... they asked me to play the background music for the reception and generously provided me a fairly decent payment and 2 tickets to see the newest movie by Andy Lau - not that I really understand Cantonese... But, I haven't really practised the pieces, and I'm hoping to wing it well... I mean, they'll be eating and chatting, who'd care for a few wrong notes?

I finished reading "Can You Keep A Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella on the car, that was quite a read. I love her stories, rediculously familar to our daily lives yet there's always a twist. I'm still waiting for the 2nd and newest book of Shopaholic.

taken in a store... I know I'm not supposed to=P 

one of my favourite  

inked... 

coooop

I might drop co-op, 80% chance. I had my interview in downtown 2 days ago, it went pretty well. The placement they found me is to work for the Mendelssohn Youth Choir in the Roy Thompson Hall; I loved it there, not to say it's the best concert hall in Toronto. Afterwards I met up with Clark at a nearby Starbucks; he got off at St.Andrews station walked the exact opposite direction and got there 30min late. Ha, I thought I was the only one with the screwed sense of direction. =P I ordered my usual hot chocolate and then we went to Eaton Centre to buy the book for my English ISU. I love buying books, it feels so wonderful owning a book; despite the fact that I hardly ever read them. (by the way, the 4th Shopaholic book is out! it's called The shopaholic and Sister or something...)

Mrs.Plumb told me that I have to work for 3h/day at my placement which I cannot possibly fulfill due to the travel time and the after-school rehearsals. They wanted to find another placement for me nearby, but I'd rather drop it if I don't work in downtown. If I do drop it, I'll have 2 spares (how wonderful!) and I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want. I might as well end up doing some volunteer works for the choir every other week or something; they seem pretty flexible about the work time. Since universities don't look at your co-op credits when you apply, there's basically no point of taking it other than gaining experience. Besides that, we get to do tons of paper work in class such as learning the laws regarding worker's safety issue, human rights and such.... which is extremely boring. My co-op folder is the thickest among all other folders so far; jammed with all sorts of junk. I wanna drop it!

So I felt a little dizzy during the last period today and I used this as my excuse to sign out. I went to the library borrowed a classical CD - have I mentioned that my goal for this year is to listen through all the classical CDs in our library? - and there was a gr.9 class doing some scavenger-hunt project, all those gr.9 kids were running around I almost saw myself doing the same thing 4 years ago... wow, it's been four years.

What a lovely Friday afternoon it is. It's been sunny for a week, which means the bad weather will arrive soon.